IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

City dwellers seldom socialize with their neighbors today, and the sense of community has been lost. Why did this happen? And how can this be solved?

#city #dwellers #neighbors #sense #community #happen #be
Residents living in the cities tend to have fewer connections with their
neighbors
 today, which can lead to a sense of isolation. In my view, it is the diverse
bachgrounds
Correct your spelling
backgrounds
 of
dewellers
Correct your spelling
dwellers
jewellers
 and their rising dependent on digital devices that lead to
this
 situation.
However
, there are
severals
Correct your spelling
several
show examples
 suggestions that will potentially alleviate
this
 problem. The main reason why
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
sociallize
Correct your spelling
socialise
 less is that
people
 become increasingly dependent on digital communication. In the past, when
cellphone
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 still a luxury,
people
 relied on
neighbors
 to address problems in their lives.
For example
, if an elderly person lost their partner,
neighbors
 and acquaintances would come to their houses, providing assistance in the funeral and emotional support.
By contrast
, young
people
 today often turn to the Internet when stumbling into difficulty. They may google how to fix the electrical wires
instead
 of asking their
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
 for help
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or chat online for support
instead
 of talking to someone living nearby.
Furthermore
, it is likely that
people
 living in the same building
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 from different parts of the world, which adds to the obstacles which impede the understanding and connection between
neighbors
 on a deeper
levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
level
show examples
. Several measures can be
done
Verb problem
taken
show examples
 to address, or at least mitigate
this
 issue.
To begin
 with, it is crucial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals to understand that meeting
in-person
Correct your spelling
in person
show examples
 plays a significant and
irreplacable
Correct your spelling
irreplaceable
 role in one’s social life.
Therefore
, individuals should engage more in the community activities, which provides more opportunities for face-to-face interactions with neighbor. Take voluntary programs
for example
, if a person participates
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
program intended for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
disabled
people
 living nearby, there is a great possibility that they will make friends in the process of visiting those in need, listening to their past experiences and making a modest donation.
This
 will potentially help them develop into a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 relationship
due to
 the close distance of their apartment, cultivating a sense of belonging and community. In conclusion, despite all the drawbacks impeding
people
 from connecting in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern communities, I believe there
certainly
Add a missing verb
are certainly
show examples
 some ways to overcome the challenge.
Submitted by timon_liwh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Your introduction set a clear premise for the essay, but you need to ensure a more precise thesis statement outlining both the causes and the solutions you will discuss. The conclusion is present, but it would benefit from summarising the main points more precisely and reaffirming your thesis.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is somewhat logical, but there needs to be a clearer progression of ideas. Each paragraph should focus on one main point, and this should be stated explicitly at the beginning of the paragraph. Coherence could be improved by better linking sentences and ideas within paragraphs.
supported main points
You provided some explanation and examples related to digital communication and the diverse backgrounds of city dwellers. However, your examples seem generic and could be more specific. Additionally, provide a wider range of examples to support all the points you are making.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay did address the prompt by discussing why neighborly socialization has decreased and proposing potential solutions. However, the points you made need further development. For example, when you mention 'the diverse backgrounds of dwellers,' you could elaborate on how cultural differences may contribute to the issue and provide specific ways to overcome cultural barriers.
relevant specific examples
Your essay includes general examples but lacks detailed and relevant illustrations to fully support your claims. For instance, when discussing digital communication, you could cite actual studies or statistics to strengthen the argument. Similarly, providing real-world examples of successful community activities would make your solutions more credible.
complete response
You addressed the main parts of the task sufficiently, but the development of your position is not fully consistent. Ensure that your ideas directly relate to the essay prompt throughout the essay, and avoid deviating into areas that are not as relevant to the question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: