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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that the best way to succeed in life is to get a university education, while others disagree and say that it is no longer true nowadays. Discuss both views and give your own opinions.

#people #life #university #education
People
 claim that someone
graduated
Correct pronoun usage
who graduated
show examples
 from
university
 is successful in every moment of life,
while
 others disagree and feel that
this
 situation is not valid at any time .
This
 essay agrees that getting A
university
education
 and diploma cannot refer achievement of individuals
whatever
Change preposition
in whatever
show examples
 they want to do.
This
 essay agrees that having tertiary
education
 always does not bring success.
It is clear that
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
education
 does not include all life lessons
such
 as in-depth experience.
In other words
, learning the hard way is much safer because of its tangible evidence .It is
therefore
 agreed that
people
 had not
have
Change the verb form
had
show examples
 to go faculty for attaining achievance recently.
For instance
,Steven Paul Jobs American businessman, inventor ,and
investors
Fix the agreement mistake
investor
show examples
 best known as the co-founder of Apple's company decided to drop out of college since his desire to spend time with his family frequently ,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
 he was
vast
Wrong verb form
a vastly
show examples
 successful person
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worldwide
even
Rephrase
apply
show examples
if he did not study at the college at that moment.
However
, many disagree and feel that gaining improved self-esteem requires a college degree.
This
 is because, for many
people
, they have
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 profession without
bachelor’s
Correct article usage
a bachelor’s
show examples
 degree.Despite
this
,nowadays,,even if many countries
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 built thousands of universities there are
ever increasing
Add a hyphen
ever-increasing
show examples
 rank of employment in the world .
For example
, a survey by Cambridge
University
 Business and Management Sciences Department
suggestS
Correct your spelling
suggests
show examples
 that a large
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of students going through
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
university
education
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become unable
Fix the infinitive
to
show examples
get a job efficiently.
Overall
,
while
 higher
education
 cannot bring success, some still feel that
people
believe to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
come across as to high standards
whenever if
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 they get a diploma.
However
,I recommend that everyone should think before making a decision that their
education
 level does not assure success
to lead
Change preposition
in leading
show examples
 a quality of life.
Submitted by sapphire  on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks a logical order and clear progression of ideas, which is essential for coherence. Consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and ensuring each subsequent sentence expands on that topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are crucial for setting the stage and wrapping up the argument, respectively. Aim to start with a clear thesis statement and end with a summarised conclusion that reflects back on the thesis.
Coherence & Cohesion
Main points need thorough support with explanations, examples or evidence for the argument to be convincing. Expand on your main points with specific examples to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Ensure the essay fully addresses all parts of the task. It should discuss both views presented in the prompt and provide a clear personal stance throughout the essay to address the task sufficiently.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas comprehensively by explaining and illustrating them with examples or evidence. Avoid making general statements without supporting them with details.
Task Achievement
Use a variety of specific examples and explanations to support your points and to show how they are relevant to the question. This enriches the content and demonstrates an understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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