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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that family is the most powerful influence of a child's development while others thing other factors such as friends, television and music have better influence. Discuss both of views and give your opinion?

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Regarding the most significant influence on
offspring’
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offspring
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 development, some hold that family shares the largest proportion,
whereas
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 others believe other things like
TV
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, friendship or music will take the role better.
This
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 essay intends to analyse both
of
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apply
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views and explain why I am in favour of the former idea. On the one hand, proponents of the first view consider that
children
Use synonyms
’s development is mainly affected by their families.
Firstly
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, parents are initial teachers in their upbringings, especially mothers who communicate with
children
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 in the first place.
Secondly
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, fathers and mothers are examples of forming
children
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’s behaviours.
In other words
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, babies observe their parents’ lifestyles and tend to imitate them with the same patterns during their growing stages.
Thirdly
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, adolescents coming from different family cultures will have different mindsets and perceptions.
For instance
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, open-minded families perceive that prioritizing their kids’ interests is more important than pragmatic considerations, encouraging
children
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 to be free when choosing jobs .
In contrast
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, narrow-minded ones tend to force their offspring to meet their expectations limiting
children
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 from exploring their
potentials
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potential
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.
On the other hand
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, supporters of the latter view claim outside factors
such
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 as television or friends play an essential role in inspiring minors during their development stage. They think adolescents now are more likely to interact with
TV
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 and their companions than parents. It means that kids spend more time on activities with their peers
whom
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with whom
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 they can share stories and find it easy to get sympathy which might not be found among family members.
Similary
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Similarly
,
TV
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 contains interesting content making
children
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 who are susceptible to addicting stuff resulting in the fact that they are influenced by characters and celebrities they watch on a regular basis. In conclusion,
although
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 a child can either learn from his close family or take a cue from his peers or whatever he sees on
TV
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, I strongly believe that no
factors
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factor
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 can be more important than
home
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a home
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 which inspires kids the most.

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that the introduction provides a clear overview of the essay's direction, end with a clear opinion, and the conclusion must effectively summarise the main points and restate the writer's opinion. The absence of clear introduction and conclusion elements affects comprehension, resulting in a lower score.
logical structure
Maintain logical structure but aim for more varied and complex connectivity to enhance seamless transition between points. While your arguments have merit, improved signposting and cohesive devices will aid in the flow.
supported main points
Aim to support main points with a broader range of examples and evidences. This essay would benefit from a deeper exploration of relevant specific examples which help to substantiate arguments and enhance the task response score.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure a full and well-rounded response to the task. Cover all parts of the prompt thoroughly and offer a balanced discussion followed by a clear opinion for a strong task achievement score. Develop your ideas further for more clarity and depth.
relevant specific examples
Bolster your arguments with more relevant, specific examples. Examples serve to illustrate your points and provide tangible evidence for your claims, thus enhancing the quality of your essay.
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