IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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These days use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 during the day by
children
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 is a lot. In
this
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 essay, I will outline why
this
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 is happening,
as well as
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 some disadvantages of
this
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 development. Not only do
children
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 use their
smartphones
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 for communication, but
also
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 consider it as a tool for entertaining. They can play video games, watch movies, listen to music and take videos or photos with their
smartphones
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.
Also
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,
smartphones
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provided
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 access to the Internet, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
makes
smartphones
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 more
applied
Replace the word
applicable
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 for
children
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.
While
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 using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 has some benefits for
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 education, it has numerous drawbacks. One of the biggest disadvantages of too much use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is,
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
cause
Change the verb form
causes
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 sedentary lifestyles.
Due to
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this
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 kind of
using does not need any physical activities
Verb problem
use
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,
children
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 cannot burn calories which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them lazy.
In addition
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, spending time on
smartphones
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 their eyes power weak and
overall
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 is not good for their health. In conclusion, in my opinion,
widespread
Correct article usage
the widespread
show examples
 of
using
Verb problem
apply
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 has a lot of negative points and disadvantages. Even though
smartphones
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 make doing some tasks easier,
children
Use synonyms
 should control the time they consume for them.
Submitted by zahra.hmt88 on

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Coherence Cohesion
You should ensure that your essay is logically structured by having a clear introduction, several body paragraphs, each with a unique idea, and a conclusion that summarises your viewpoint and arguments. Aim to transition smoothly between ideas for better coherence.
Coherence Cohesion
The essay provided lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. It is essential to include these elements in your response as they set the stage and summarise your view respectively. Develop your introduction by restating the question, stating your position, and outlining the main points of your argument. Likewise, your conclusion should summarise your main points and reiterate your viewpoint clearly. Remember that each paragraph should have a clear central idea supported with examples and explanations.
Task Achievement
Your response touches on the task's prompt but could be more fully developed. Ensure you address all parts of the task. Clarify why children spend hours on smartphones and then distinctly discuss whether this is positive or negative. Support each of your main points with clear, relevant examples and extend your explanations. While your ideas are relevant, there is a need for more depth and development to fully satisfy the task requirements.
Task Achievement
Try to express your ideas more comprehensively. While you have established a stance on the issue, your position and the reasoning behind it need to be elaborated further. Provide clear explanations, and use examples that are directly related to the points you're making. These examples should be specific and detailed to enhance the clarity and depth of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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