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Writing Samples /
Band 1

The number of employed persons by job type and sex, Australia, last year

#persons #job #type #sex #australia #year
The bar illustrates the amount of work citizens in Australia by their job type and gender. The data is from
last
 year.
Overall
, it is clearly observable that the number of employed males is on average higher than females in all types but two. The most popular job for men is tradespeople and clerical for women. The quantity of both genders was almost equal in types: professionals and clerical. Looking at the details, the vast majority of gents ( 900,000 ) chose tradespeople as their job,
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
 it clerical ( around 850,000) and
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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third place
Add a hyphen
third-place
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 professionals ( approximately 650,000). Regarding ladies, clerical was option number one, almost 1 million women worked
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
. The least
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
production
Correct article usage
the production
show examples
 field and tradespeople, only 100,000 people.
Submitted by dashasokolova068 on

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structure
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential components of a well-structured piece of writing. It's important to start with a sentence that introduces the topic and a conclusion that summarises the main points.
cohesion
There is some logical structure, but transitions between ideas are not smooth, and the essay lacks complex structures typical of higher band scores. Work on linking ideas more effectively with a variety of linking words and phrases.
support
The essay does make an attempt to present main points, but they are not adequately supported with specific details or examples. Include more detailed data and precise examples to strengthen your main points.
task response
The response fails to summarize or clearly present the key features of the graph as required by the task. Ensure to provide an overview that captures the most significant trends and compare data points where relevant.
clarity
Ideas are presented but would benefit from being more comprehensive and clearer. Remember to expand on points by explaining or comparing data where appropriate, rather than just listing details.
examples
Actual data from the graph is not effectively incorporated, reducing the relevance of examples. Using specific figures precisely as they appear in the provided visual aid is crucial to achieving a higher score on this criterion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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