Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?
Nowadays, some people
belive
that Correct your spelling
believe
students
need to do practical working
Replace the word
work
as well as
studying
Replace the word
study
from
Change preposition
at
the
Correct article usage
apply
school
. I disagree with this
statement as I believe students
should focus
on academic subject
and exploring hobbies rather than trying to do some jobs.
On the one hand, many Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
students
lost their focus
on academics
after taking part-time work
experience. They are too tired for self-learning after school
, as
a Correct word choice
and as
result
they might abandon their Add a comma
result,
homeworks
. To Correct your spelling
homework
illustrates
, a Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
students
working as Fix the agreement mistake
student
part-time
barista at a cafe after Add an article
a part-time
school
time, they spent 4-5 hours working then
Correct word choice
and then
go
home Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
in
Change preposition
apply
a
tired condition. If Correct article usage
apply
this
become
a daily routine, they might think that Change the verb form
becomes
academics
is not important anymore because they received income from that
jobs. Correct determiner usage
those
Consequently
, most cases stated that students
left school
to work
permanently.
On the other hand
, students
need to focus
on academics
as this
is the fundamental of their future life. School
is a place where children Change the article
A school
develops
their cognition Change the verb form
develop
as well as
their social aspects by exploring hobbies apart of
Change preposition
from
academics
. For example
, students
can learn
do a Add the particle
learn to
similuation
about Correct your spelling
simulation
work
experience by joining an
Change the article
a
students
organization. This
activity can develop students
leadership and teamwork which will Change noun form
students'
student's
benefits
them in the future job market. Change the verb form
benefit
In addition
, to understand the workplace experience, students
could ask for company
visit Add an article
a company
to
their teacher so they can learn directly by Change preposition
with
an
observation.
In conclusion, giving Correct article usage
apply
students
too many activities can make them feel ovewhelm
as they need to do both study and Correct your spelling
overwhelmed
overwhelm
work
. I believe that students
should more focus
on academics
to prepare for their future and they also
should participating
in Wrong verb form
participate
students organization
to hone their leadership and teamwork Fix the agreement mistake
student organizations
skils
.Correct your spelling
skills
Submitted by ryanrush16 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a consistent logical structure, causing some difficulty in following the argument. Firstly, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, followed by supporting statements and relevant examples. This structure should be evident throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
There is an attempt to provide both an introduction and a conclusion, but these could be strengthened. The introduction should include a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points of the essay, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize these points and restate the thesis in light of the discussion.
coherence cohesion
While some main points are supported, the support is limited and occasionally unclear. Elevate the essay by incorporating more developed examples, statistics, or quotations that are directly related to the point being made. This will help to fortify the argument and add depth to the essay.
task achievement
The response addresses the task, but it could more fully cover all parts of the prompt. Make sure to address every aspect of the question and provide a balanced view if the question asks 'to what extent' you agree or disagree. You should also ensure that you elaborate on your views with a more nuanced discussion.
task achievement
Ideas are somewhat clear but could be expressed more comprehensively. Practice articulating your thoughts with precision and clarity, ensuring that every sentence contributes to the overall argument or point being discussed.
task achievement
The essay makes use of some examples, but they are not always specific or particularly relevant. Work on integrating examples that are directly connected to the argument and contribute to the reader's understanding of your viewpoint.
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