IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

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Nowadays, some people
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
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 that
students
Use synonyms
 need to do practical
working
Replace the word
work
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as well as
Linking Words
studying
Replace the word
study
show examples
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as I believe
students
Use synonyms
 should
focus
Use synonyms
 on academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 and exploring hobbies rather than trying to do some jobs. On the one hand, many
students
Use synonyms
 lost their
focus
Use synonyms
 on
academics
Use synonyms
 after taking part-time
work
Use synonyms
 experience. They are too tired for self-learning after
school
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,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a
result
Add a comma
result,
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 they might abandon their
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
. To
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
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, a
Use synonyms
students
Fix the agreement mistake
student
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 working as
part-time
Add an article
a part-time
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 barista at a cafe after
school
Use synonyms
 time, they spent 4-5 hours working
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
and then
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go
Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
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 home
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tired condition. If
this
Linking Words
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 a daily routine, they might think that
academics
Use synonyms
 is not important anymore because they received income from
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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 jobs.
Consequently
Linking Words
, most cases stated that
students
Use synonyms
 left
school
Use synonyms
 to
work
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 permanently.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 need to
focus
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 on
academics
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 as
this
Linking Words
 is the fundamental of their future life.
Use synonyms
School
Change the article
A school
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 is a place where children
develops
Change the verb form
develop
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 their cognition
as well as
Linking Words
 their social aspects by exploring hobbies apart
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
academics
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 can
learn
Add the particle
learn to
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 do a
similuation
Correct your spelling
simulation
 about
work
Use synonyms
 experience by joining
an
Change the article
a
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 organization.
This
Linking Words
 activity can develop
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students
Change noun form
students'
student's
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 leadership and teamwork which will
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
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 them in the future job market.
In addition
Linking Words
, to understand the workplace experience,
students
Use synonyms
 could ask for
company
Add an article
a company
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 visit
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their teacher so they can learn directly by
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
observation. In conclusion, giving
students
Use synonyms
 too many activities can make them feel
ovewhelm
Correct your spelling
overwhelmed
overwhelm
 as they need to do both study and
work
Use synonyms
. I believe that
students
Use synonyms
 should more
focus
Use synonyms
 on
academics
Use synonyms
 to prepare for their future and they
also
Linking Words
 should
participating
Wrong verb form
participate
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
students organization
Fix the agreement mistake
student organizations
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 to hone their leadership and teamwork
skils
Correct your spelling
skills
show examples
.

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a consistent logical structure, causing some difficulty in following the argument. Firstly, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, followed by supporting statements and relevant examples. This structure should be evident throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
There is an attempt to provide both an introduction and a conclusion, but these could be strengthened. The introduction should include a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points of the essay, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize these points and restate the thesis in light of the discussion.
coherence cohesion
While some main points are supported, the support is limited and occasionally unclear. Elevate the essay by incorporating more developed examples, statistics, or quotations that are directly related to the point being made. This will help to fortify the argument and add depth to the essay.
task achievement
The response addresses the task, but it could more fully cover all parts of the prompt. Make sure to address every aspect of the question and provide a balanced view if the question asks 'to what extent' you agree or disagree. You should also ensure that you elaborate on your views with a more nuanced discussion.
task achievement
Ideas are somewhat clear but could be expressed more comprehensively. Practice articulating your thoughts with precision and clarity, ensuring that every sentence contributes to the overall argument or point being discussed.
task achievement
The essay makes use of some examples, but they are not always specific or particularly relevant. Work on integrating examples that are directly connected to the argument and contribute to the reader's understanding of your viewpoint.
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