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Band 5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today’s would, subjects like science and technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #history #school #subjects #today’s #science #technology
In recent decades, there have been disputes over the importance of
history
 as a school subject. It is more sensible to say
history
 is
one
 of the most pivotal school
subjects
;
Nevertheless
, I tend to support the opponents' idea
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 core
subjects
 like mathematics or science
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more necessary in today's modern world. On the
one
 hand, there are numerous advocates who assert
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of
History
.
To begin
 with, they believe that
demand out
Wrong verb form
demanding
show examples
 some consideration about the experiences which
occur
Wrong verb form
occurred
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
 is vitally important for our personal
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. To explain, these experiences associate some similar lessons which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 efficient.
In addition
, in order to develop the country, the previous social governments should be taken into account.
For instance
, in
Iran
Add a comma
Iran,
show examples
 there is a weakness weakness spent on
History
 in schools and
this
 could be a noticeable reason
which
Correct word choice
why
show examples
 it is a developing country
instead
 of a developed
one
.
Furthermore
, each country has its value in
each
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
historical roots.
On the other hand
, there are several opponents who have declared the importance of other core
subjects
.
Firstly
, they have argued that we are faced with a modern world
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 the majority of things are based on technology.
Moreover
, nowadays the rate of students who want to become a doctor or engineer
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 considerable so they are more interested in academic
subjects
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 school.
Nonetheless
, students whose dream is
becoming
Change the verb form
to become
show examples
 a
history
 expert
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most of their time on
this
 subject.
To sum up
,
while
 there are both agreements and disagreements over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
which
history
 is
one
 of the most vital
subjects
 or not and we have to take into account both groups, I personally contend that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic
subjects
such
 as chemistry are more important.
Submitted by amirrezadelghandi3 on

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task achievement
Your essay shows an understanding of the topic, but the response is not fully developed. Ensure you thoroughly discuss both sides of the argument and provide a clear personal stance in conclusion. Be thorough in your exploration of why certain subjects may be deemed more important than others, providing ample supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Your logical structure is somewhat clear but can be improved with better paragraphing and linking words to ensure a smooth flow of ideas. Introduction and conclusion are present but could be stronger. Each paragraph should present a clear main point; in some cases, your essay delves into examples or explanations without fully elucidating the main argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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