IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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It is argued that sharpening public
health
Use synonyms
 is feasible by raising the number of
sports
Use synonyms
 amenities. whilst some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that other actions should be taken and
this
Linking Words
 alone would hold minor impacts so it couldn't be the best. I would lean toward the latter since I believe that raising public
health
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 needs a group of measures that collaborate efficiently. Increasing the number of
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities encourages
people
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 to exercise regularly. More chain gyms offer the opportunity for individuals to take part in
sports
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 activities more conveniently as every district has its
arena
Correct word choice
own arena
show examples
. The majority of
people
Use synonyms
 are busy with their work until late so they don't have enough time or energy to allocate doing physical activities to be able to enhance their well-being. By way of example, my sister goes to work from early morning to late night but she supposes that if there is a gym nearby, she will join it and she will not only her physical
health
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 but
also
Linking Words
 her mental
health
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 be improved.
As a result
Linking Words
, expanding
sports
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centers
Change the spelling
centres
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 and adequate equipment
cater
Fix the infinitive
to cater
show examples
 for every area is a decent suggestion.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, several measures can be taken to encourage folks to do physical exercise which I refer to as one of them. It is beneficial for children to be accustomed to doing a kind of sport regularly in order to be healthy mentally and physically. I mean that
Sports
Use synonyms
 lessons should be put in schools' curriculum as a major part of students' education so that, they can be informed about the benefits and influences of physical activities.
For instance
Linking Words
, When I was a student was taught practically
sports
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 and now It become one of the prominent parts of my life.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 type of table time at schools leads pupils to learn teamwork through playing
sports
Use synonyms
 which include teams
as well as
Linking Words
 strengthening their
health
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. In conclusion, in my opinion, developing
sports
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 equipment is the optimal way to improve the level of citizens'
health
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 as numerous
people
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 are preoccupied with their job and they prefer to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in a gym which is in their
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some other ways that can be considered at schools which bring them about to get used to exercise and know more about its advantages.

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introduction conclusion present
Your essay lacks a clear and concise introduction and conclusion. Both need to distinctly indicate the purpose of the essay and summarise the main points made.
logical structure
You need to ensure that your essay has a logical structure. Each paragraph should contain one clear main idea with supporting sentences that develop that idea.
supported main points
Main points should be supported by more detailed explanations and potentially, statistics or studies, for a higher score in coherence and cohesion.
complete response
There is a need to provide a clearer response to the task prompt. Your position should be explicitly stated in the introduction and then developed throughout the essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
To achieve higher task achievement scores, ideas should be explained and expanded upon in greater detail. Avoid ambiguity.
relevant specific examples
Offer more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Make sure these examples clearly illustrate the point you're trying to make.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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