IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

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Introduction
Some
children
Use synonyms
 receive several
toys
Use synonyms
 from their parents.
Although
Linking Words
 purchasing a large number of
toys
Use synonyms
 can have several drawbacks, it can
also
Linking Words
 bring a number of benefits to
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are positive impacts of buying many
toys
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 are able to experience a carefree childhood
due to
Linking Words
 having a
lot
Use synonyms
 of playthings. People who
have a
Verb problem
are
show examples
 young
age
Check wording
apply
show examples
feel cheerful.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 have rights for playing and
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 happy. People who did not undergo a troubled childhood tended to be psychologically stronger than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 experienced one.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, as far as I am concerned
that
Correct word choice
,
show examples
 buying
toys
Use synonyms
 by parents
has
Correct word order
also has
show examples
also
Linking Words
 negative aspects. They can be annoying and
spoilt
Wrong verb form
spoiled
show examples
. Sometimes it can be
irrative
Correct your spelling
irrelevant
 for other
children
Use synonyms
. In school, sometimes the kids whose family members purchase
to them
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
lot
Use synonyms
 of playing tools could be buller person to their classmates.
Children
Use synonyms
 can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
feel competitive with each
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
. Not only a classmate, but
also
Linking Words
 a sibling can vie with them. That’s why parents should be careful
they don’t
Rephrase
not to
show examples
 cross the line
buying
Correct word choice
when buying
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
toys
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. A more recent concern, kids become obsessive
due to
Linking Words
 spending their time merely
to play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 with
toys
Use synonyms
. It can
makes
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 youngsters
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
avoid from homeworks. They are able to lose focus on their academic life, thereby becoming ignorant.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it can be seen that mothers and fathers who try to purchase numerous
game means
Check wording
games
show examples
 have made youngsters’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 more cheerful.
However
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
toys
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 capable of being harmful, particularly if
children
Use synonyms
 become overly obsessed with them and lose concentration to education.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer is on the topic, but some ideas are too general. For example, say how toys can help a child learn, make things, or play with other children.
task response
Give one clear example for each main point. For example: building blocks can help a child learn to make new things; too many toys can make a child want more and more things.
task response
Some points need more care. Having many toys does not always mean a child has a happy childhood. Explain the link in a more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the bad side paragraph, you move from spoiled children to other children, school, brothers or sisters, homework, and study. Choose two main bad points and explain them well.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple and clear links. For example: “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “Also”. Do not use too many different ideas in one long part.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match the body. Your end is good, but it should sum up the same two or three main points that you explained above.
task response
You answer both parts: good points and bad points.
task response
Your main idea is clear: many toys can make children happy, but too many can cause problems.
coherence and cohesion
You use a clear four-part plan: start, good side, bad side, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Additionally”, and “However” help show the change of ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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