IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that family is the most powerful influence of a child's development while others thing other factors such as friends, television and music have better influence. Discuss both of views and give your opinion

#people #influence #child #development #factors #friends #television #music
Nowadays, it has become a common
argumentary
Correct your spelling
argument
 question
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, '
who
Capitalize word
Who
show examples
 is making more impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 children's development?'. It is considered by many that, family background makes a massive impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the maturing of a
child
 and
on the other hand
, some people think society and modern technology are responsible too.
This
 essay intends to analyse both views and explain why I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the first opinion. First of all,
it is clear that
 the offspring's first teachers are their parents. It is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 children follow their parent's footpath and they watch and learn from them.
For instance
, if parents have calm and quiet qualities, their
child
 is not aggressive but, very pleasant to others. Not only that but
also
, if the father and mother have special cultural influences, it can be clearly seen
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of the
child
.
However
,
on the other hand
, when it comes to the present society, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television programs and music contain addictive and nude concepts.
Moreover
, when a
child
 is in a developing age, they are eager to explore
such
 things.
As a result
, they tend to follow these negative concepts easily.
Furthermore
, friends can be gathered with different personalities. Whilst some of them could be a better influence
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, most probably can see the negative aspect. All in all, many argue that friends and modern technological aspects have a positive influence
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the development of a
child
 rather than the family. But, in my opinion, I believe the parent's contribution to the offspring's development is the most significant factor when compared to others.
Submitted by hasi13r on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay is logically structured with clear and distinctive paragraphs. Your introduction should set out what will follow, each body paragraph should contain one main idea with explanations, and your conclusion should clearly summarise your views without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphing is clear. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic, and sentences should follow one another logically. Use a range of cohesive devices (linking words) to connect your ideas and paragraphs, but do not overuse them.
task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the task. This includes discussing both views fully and providing your own opinion. You need to develop your main ideas with explanations and support them with evidence or examples. Specific, relevant examples enhance the strength of your argument.
task achievement
Aim to express your ideas clearly and develop them more fully to meet the requirement for a clear, comprehensive response. Avoid general statements and try to give detailed explanations and examples for the views and opinions you're presenting.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: