IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation
In the contemporary era, almost all types of vehicles, healthcare facilities and public transport depend on up-to-date computers and microchips. It is claimed that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 people rely on technologies, which can be dangerous or even harmful, in case of a global disaster.
However
, there are some merits
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 modern science may bring
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the society. First and foremost, in today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 all types of data
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 recorded in an uncountable amount of servers. It is
pretty
Add an article
a pretty
show examples
 dangerous situation because it could be erased in terms of natural
disaster
Fix the agreement mistake
disasters
show examples
, electricity-cut situations or by a simple human error.
Moreover
, it can be annihilated with electromagnetic impulses, which may be the most significant weapon in the future. To exemplify, the situation in
FBI
Correct article usage
the FBI
show examples
 in the US in 2010, when they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lost their data because of
Correct article usage
the chacker's
show examples
chacker's
Correct your spelling
hacker's
 invasion. On the
countrary
Correct your spelling
contrary
, advances in technology cannot be underestimated. It gives an enormous
amout
Correct your spelling
amount
 of opportunities for patients in the
heatlhcare
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 sector. To be more precise,
robotic-surgery
Correct your spelling
robotic surgery
show examples
 has provided chances for people's
threatment
Correct your spelling
treatment
 in complicated clinical cases
as well as
 difficult
anantomy
Correct your spelling
anatomy
 areas.
Additionally
,when it concerns public transport and communications there are only benefits
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be seen. They are not only eco-friendly
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 faster and more convenient for society. In conclusion, undoubtedly, it is impossible to exist in the modern era without cutting-edge computers and
opporunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 which have been provided despite possible dangerous situations.
On the other hand
,
altenative
Correct your spelling
alternative
sourses
Correct your spelling
sources
 for preserving data have to be created. To crown it all, the
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
 of AI (artificial intelligence) can do harm
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 people, but for the time being it is a very disputable question.
Submitted by roker123456 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. Aim for a more precise thesis statement.
task achievement
Work on developing your main ideas more thoroughly, with clearer and more specific examples that directly support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of cohesive devices and paragraphing to better organize the essay and improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow a logical sequence, ensuring that they all contribute to supporting your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the introduction and conclusion are distinct and adequately bookend the essay, summarizing your main points and restating your position in the conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: