IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport and music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #talents #sport #music #child #sports #person #musician
There are two opinions about the
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 that children have, where on one hand
people
 say that they already
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 since birth and
on the other hand
, they state that children should develop their
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 through training. In my opinion, children naturally have skills which will make them a great musician or an athlete. I certainly agree that many kids have their talents since childhood, especially in their golden age, because basically the talents are inherited from their parents.
For example
, the public says that Lionel Messi has been able to play soccer since he was a kid without learning about it.
In other words
, he just plays naturally and it has been proven by his achievement. He got the Ballon
D’or
Correct your spelling
d’Or
, which is the
prestigious
Correct quantifier usage
most prestigious
show examples
 award in the football
world
, and
Change the word
his
show examples
the
Correct pronoun usage
his
show examples
 biggest success was
he
Rephrase
when he
show examples
 brought his national team into the final of
Correct article usage
the Fifa
show examples
Fifa
Correct article usage
the Fifa
show examples
World
 Cup 2022, where he won with his goal.
As a result
, if
people
 didn’t have talent
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
 birth, their accomplishments might not be as much as Lionel
Messi
Change noun form
Messi's
show examples
 and require hard work.
However
,
people
 say that kids are able to have fabulous skills through coaching because it can happen from the support of the environment. As we know, Cristiano Ronaldo,
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
also
 one of the best football
player
Change to a plural noun
players
show examples
 in the
world
. He is really competent and clever when he is in the field because he studied hard about football since he was young and never gave up.
Then
, he gets a lot of rewards and once he has the title of the most expensive player in
this
world
. If
people
 don’t tutor, they tend to unreach their
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
. In conclusion, I believe that in order to achieve success in sports or arts,
people
 should have their potential rather than getting it from training.
Submitted by agustinealiciakosasih on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You presented a basic structure; however, paragraphs need clearer and more effective topic sentences to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraphing by separating contrasting views into individual paragraphs to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Linking words and transitions are needed to connect ideas more smoothly and show the relationship between them.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address all parts of the task. Discuss both views equally and provide a clear opinion.
task achievement
Develop ideas further with more complex sentences and a range of linking words to articulate a nuanced argument.
task achievement
Use a variety of specific examples to support your points. Make sure they are relevant and clearly linked to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Innate talent
  • Nurture
  • Prodigy
  • Proficiency
  • Deliberate practice
  • Physiological factors
  • Grit
  • Perseverance
  • Cultural norms
  • Structured training
  • Physical predisposition
  • Natural aptitude
  • Dedicated training
  • Societal influence
  • Passion
  • Genetic endowment
  • Skill acquisition
  • Expertise
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Mastery
  • Cognitive abilities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: