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Band 4.5

Work is more important than leisure. Do you agree or disagree?

#work #leisure
In a competitive society, the majority of
community
Add an article
the community
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prefer
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefers
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 to
performance
Replace the word
perform
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 long hours, which can leave
a
Correct article usage
apply
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very little time to spend with friends, and family or to pursue hobbies. Some
crowd
Fix the agreement mistake
crowds
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 choose that making money and achieving bright future goals is more sufficient than having a rest moment.
However
, I totally agree that task and leisure should be equal conditions. Struggle is important in our lives for some reasons:
firstly
, and most clearly, we need to work to earn income, and
secondly
, to walk for valuable purposes. Earning an income is the main reason most
folk
Change to a plural noun
folks
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 go to exertion, as well all need money for daily expenses, living and eating. If a human,
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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has a family
such
 as children. The individual duty is to take care of his family, especially, financially.
Additionally
, expecting reason to get out of bed every day, we can feel minuscule aimless and lost, which in turn into
like
Change preposition
apply
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a "zombie".
Nonetheless
Add a comma
,
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leisure is
also
 sufficient in our society. It is essential to have
date
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a date
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 to rest and recuperate from the stresses of trial.
This
 helps keep us mentally and physically healthy.Everyone has stress, of course, it is a natural situation,
nevertheless
, in
this
 case, you should go on a trip and go to places of entertainment
such
 as
mountains
Correct article usage
the mountains
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.
For example
, I had a situation which is stressful status. That's why, I told my parents "Let's go to the gorgeous places in the world". So it was an amazing space which was memorable. After that, we relaxed and played some games. And so, without
this
 should not be
well-balanced
Add an article
a well-balanced
the well-balanced
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 community.
Overall
, there is no doubt,
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
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 and rest should be done on occasion and balanced.
Submitted by otkirovyasin7 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear structure with distinct paragraphs, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This enhances the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices appropriately to link ideas and paragraphs, but avoid overuse or mechanical repetition. Aim for variety and accuracy in your linking phrases.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with specific examples or reasons, but also ensure that these examples are clearly linked to the main idea they are meant to support.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task and present a clear position throughout the response. It's essential to convey your standpoint on the topic effectively.
task achievement
Develop ideas fully to meet the requirement of the task. This includes expanding on your viewpoint with adequate explanations and examples.
task achievement
Use examples that are relevant and specific to the topic to substantiate your arguments, however, be sure to integrate them smoothly into your discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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