IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

Some people believe that money is the major source of happiness. Do you agree or disagree.

#people #money #source #happiness
Some
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
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 that the effect of
of
Remove the redundancy
apply
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a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
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 of the problems
over reliance
Add a hyphen
over-reliance
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 on cars can cause and others suggest a possible solution are positive for ,
while
 others think they are negative . On the one hand, there are two obvious negative effects of problems
over reliance
Add a hyphen
over-reliance
show examples
 on transport.
Firstly
, problems of traffic congestion and population all over the world.
As a result
, the use of public transport
one
Add a missing verb
is one
show examples
 of the possible
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 to deal with
this
 issue.
Secondly
, the excessive reliance
an
Correct your spelling
on
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 automobiles leads to traffic congestion.
Consequently
, severe air pollution.
On the other hand
, despite
abovementioned
Correct article usage
the abovementioned
show examples
 drawbacks, I'm still of
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opinion that there are more positive effects emerging.
For example
, a number of cars
suggests
Change the verb form
suggest
show examples
 at least one possible solution.
As a result
 ,every person has their own car which
mean
Change the verb form
means
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 creating a lot of traffic.
For instance
,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
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 by car is excellent, especially when you are
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
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 short .
Consequently
, brimming with vehicles , irresponsible drives. In conclusion,
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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discussed the topic could be supported well by people arguing with different views. Both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
could
Correct pronoun usage
them could
show examples
 be right in certain but for
me
Add a comma
me,
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 the latter
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 seems more accurate and convincing.
Submitted by utkirovaezozabegim on

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task achievement
The essay lacks clarity and precision in its approach to answering the question, resulting in a score of 4. The topic concerning the major source of happiness being money was inconclusive as the essay diverted to discuss the reliance on cars and associated problems. You must address the prompt directly.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay scored a 4 as it was very challenging to follow your argument due to the unclear connections between ideas and topics that did not relate to the original prompt. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that directly relates to the question and that these ideas progress logically from one to the other.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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