IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #time
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It is believed that
children
 should be encouraged to take part in
team
activities
 by their
parents
 since it gives opportunity to interact with others even though others think that
this
 might create difficulties for both
parents
 and
children
 because of fixed training schedules. On the one hand, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
a great deal of
Change the quantifier
a lot of
many
plenty of
show examples
 benefits to
take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 part
fixed
Change preposition
in fixed
show examples
activities
. Since,if
children
 engage in
team
activities
, they have more fun with their peers rather than on their own.
As a result
, teammates support each other to achieve a goal as
team
activities
 foster a sense of respect for not only teammates but
also
 opponents.
For instance
, if they are encouraged to take part in
team
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
activities
such
 as soccer, basketball
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 athletics,
this
 serves for both
physically
Change the word
physical
show examples
 and
emotionally
Change the word
emotional
show examples
 development.
Therefore
, these
activities
 are necessary for
children
.
On the other hand
, individual
activities
 are better at teaching
children
 to rely on their own skills and being independent-spirited.
In addition
, they have enough time to interact with their
parents
 on
activities
. Because of
these
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
, they don't suffer
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 a disability or medical
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
aim
Correct word choice
and aim
show examples
 to forcing to fit into a
team
. Despite the fact that they play chess, ride a bicycle or run, these are beneficial for their health,
for example
. So
parents
 should encourage them to do individual
activities
. In my opinion, it depends on their age. If they are schoolchildren, individual
activities
 are better.
However
 they get older, they should be encouraged to participate in
team
activities
thank
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to develop
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
freedom.
Submitted by rhsiya50 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay needs to clearly introduce the topic and present a distinct thesis statement that outlines the main points you will discuss. Having a clear conclusion that summarises your views and the arguments presented is also crucial for scoring higher in introduction and conclusion presence.
coherence cohesion
To achieve a higher score in logical structure, ensure your essay has a clear progression of ideas with logical connectors and appropriate paragraphing. Develop each main idea in its own paragraph and use a range of linking words to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Provide thorough support for your main points through explanations, arguments, and examples. Expand your ideas to demonstrate an in-depth understanding of the topic, rather than listing multiple points with limited development.
task achievement
For a higher score in task achievement, make sure your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. Clearly express your viewpoints and ensure each paragraph contributes to the overall response to the task.
task achievement
Aim to present clear, comprehensive ideas that are well-developed and fully explained. Avoid ambiguity and strive for precision in your writing to convey your points effectively.
task achievement
Include relevant, specific examples to support your viewpoints. Make sure your examples are well-integrated into your arguments and clearly illustrate the points you are making.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • occupied
  • organized
  • group activities
  • benefits
  • social
  • teamwork skills
  • interpersonal skills
  • friendship
  • discipline
  • time management
  • interests
  • hobbies
  • independent play
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • self-reliance
  • explore
  • discover
What to do next:
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