IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that children who spend alot of time reading children's story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #alot #time #story #books #activities
It is commonly believed that some individuals think that
children
 who spend
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
time
 reading
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 story books are wasting their
time
 which could be better used doing other more useful
activities
.
This
 essay will describe
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
it. I agree with
this
Correct your spelling
statement
statment
Correct your spelling
statement
 There are some
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why
childrend
Correct your spelling
children
 spend
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
time
 reading story books.
Firstly
. It can increase their knowledge.
For example
 Story books
essential
Add a missing verb
are essential
show examples
 for
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 because can increase their knowledge.
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 the habit their parents give facility in their
home
such
 as the small library in their
home
 so
children
 like to reading
book
Add an article
a book
the book
show examples
. There are some
disadventages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 of
children
 wasting their
time
do
Change the form of the verb
doing
show examples
activities
.
Firstly
 In
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 era a lot of
children
 do
activities
such
 as play game mobile
Add the comma(s)
, for instance,
show examples
for instance
children
 go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school from morning until afternoon and should do additional
activities
such
 as
privat
Correct your spelling
private
class
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classes
show examples
 learning
english
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English
show examples
 or mathematics until night so they are not
time
Add a missing verb
have time
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 leisure
time
 but
children
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 hobby is playing mobile
their
Replace the word
they're
they are
show examples
 always playing on the mobile until at night so that some people not getting enough sleep and make their eyes become red or irritation.
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
children
 who often do
activities
 outside the
home
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
getting
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get
be getting
show examples
 sick.
For example
children
 do
activities
 outside the
home
 a lot of energy is released in their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 should give their
children
 vitamin supplements so that they
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
disease
Correct article usage
the disease
show examples
. the
conclude
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conclusion
show examples
 some people should consider both if some people want their
children
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not
get
Fix the infinitive
to get
show examples
 sick easily their parents should give their
children
 facilities small library in their
home
 so that their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 reading the book it can increase their knowledge and
gett
Correct your spelling
get
show examples
Correct article usage
a positif
show examples
positif
Correct your spelling
positive
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both.
in
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 if their parents want their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
do
Fix the infinitive
to do
show examples
activities
 outside the
home
 there are some negative
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
 for
instan
Correct your spelling
instance
 the
children
 will get along wrong
such
 as their
spend
Replace the word
spending
show examples
 for game play on mobile.
Submitted by ekapuspitasari211 on

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task achievement
Your essay shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the task. The prompt asks for a discussion about the value of children reading storybooks, but your essay veers off-topic to discuss the effects of excessive mobile gaming and outdoor activities on children's health. To improve, ensure that you address the prompt directly and maintain a clear focus on the value of reading storybooks versus other activities.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks clear logical structure and the paragraphs are poorly organized. Each main point should be in its own paragraph with a topic sentence followed by supporting sentences. Avoid combining unrelated ideas in the same paragraph, as this confuses the reader. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion need to be clearly defined and effectively summarize the essay's argument. Work on paragraph organization, using linking words, and maintaining a logical flow throughout.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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