Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, the development of technology has increased
day
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

by
day
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

,
in particular
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

smartphones. Several
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

may play with their
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones

It seems that phone may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
for a long time daily to do some activities. I would argue that it is positive for
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. Regarding
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

issue, some reasons will be discussed in detail.
To begin
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

with, technological developments and demands from school are the reason why young people play with their phones each
day
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. In
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

era, there are so many
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones

The word cellphones doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
that are useful for helping young people because
from
Add the comma(s)
, from

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter from the phone. Consider adding the comma(s).

show examples
the
phone
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

,
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

may know
about
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
what they want to know. The teacher as the learner sometimes gives assignments for pupils from the
phone
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, and the
students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have to know how to operate the smartphones.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, many schools tend to obligate their
students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to use handphones, for it may help
students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and teachers
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

they are studying. To illustrate, when
covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19

The word covid-19 doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
entered Indonesia in 2020, the
students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers

It seems that teacher may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
used applications
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as
zoom
Capitalize word
Zoom

The word zoom should be capitalized in this context.

show examples
, google
Correct your spelling
and Google

The words , google seem to be misspelled. Consider replacing them.

meet
Capitalize word
Meet

The word meet should be capitalized in this context.

show examples
for
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings

It seems that meeting may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
because if they met face to face, they may be attacked by the virus covid-19. The two main points positive of using the cellphone every
day
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

are making pupils
open minded
Add a hyphen
open-minded

It seems that open minded is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

show examples
and more creative for doing something.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

with their
Use synonyms
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones

It seems that phone may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
can access many websites for studying and in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

case may assist the student to think one step ahead because they may have known about the technology. The youngster may become a problem solver because they may have studied the problems.
Subsequently
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

play with their
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones

The word cellphones doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
, perhaps, they watch and learn about new ideas or knowledge that may be beneficial for them. By using phones,
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

may arrange or give some ideas because they have watched the innovation. In conclusion, smartphones are helpful for
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

in helping them to learn new knowledge. They can self-study from their
phone
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to solve
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
problems.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay somewhat follows a logical structure, but there are instances where ideas are not fully expanded upon or sequenced properly, causing some confusion for the reader. Attempt to create a clearer thread of arguments throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
There is an introduction and a conclusion in the essay, but both sections could be improved by providing a clearer thesis statement and summarising the main points more effectively in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are presented, but they need to be better supported with more detailed examples, explanations, and justifications to strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
task achievement
The response addresses the task, but the discussion of whether the prevalence of smartphone use among children is a positive or negative development is unbalanced. Ensure that both aspects of the question are addressed equally and that arguments for both sides are presented if you are making a one-sided argument.
task achievement
Ideas presented in the essay are related to the topic but are not comprehensively developed. Work on expanding and elaborating on the ideas in greater detail to provide a depth of analysis required at a higher band level.
task achievement
The essay lacks sufficiently relevant and specific examples to illustrate the points being made. Including such examples helps to demonstrate a clearer understanding of the topic and strengthen the writer's arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: