IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Recently, the development of technology has increased
day
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 by
day
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,
in particular
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 smartphones. Several
children
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 may play with their
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phone
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phones
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 for a long time daily to do some activities. I would argue that it is positive for
children
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. Regarding
this
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 issue, some reasons will be discussed in detail.
To begin
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 with, technological developments and demands from school are the reason why young people play with their phones each
day
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. In
this
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 era, there are so many
cellphones
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cell phones
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 that are useful for helping young people because
from
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, from
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 the
phone
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,
children
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 may know
about
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apply
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what they want to know. The teacher as the learner sometimes gives assignments for pupils from the
phone
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, and the
students
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 have to know how to operate the smartphones.
In addition
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, many schools tend to obligate their
students
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 to use handphones, for it may help
students
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 and teachers
while
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 they are studying. To illustrate, when
covid-19
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COVID-19
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 entered Indonesia in 2020, the
students
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 and
teacher
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teachers
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 used applications
such
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 as
zoom
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Zoom
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, google
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and Google
meet
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Meet
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 for
meeting
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meetings
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 because if they met face to face, they may be attacked by the virus covid-19. The two main points positive of using the cellphone every
day
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 are making pupils
open minded
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open-minded
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 and more creative for doing something.
Firstly
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,
children
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 with their
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phone
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phones
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 can access many websites for studying and in
this
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 case may assist the student to think one step ahead because they may have known about the technology. The youngster may become a problem solver because they may have studied the problems.
Subsequently
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, when
children
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 play with their
cellphones
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cell phones
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, perhaps, they watch and learn about new ideas or knowledge that may be beneficial for them. By using phones,
children
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 may arrange or give some ideas because they have watched the innovation. In conclusion, smartphones are helpful for
children
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 in helping them to learn new knowledge. They can self-study from their
phone
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 to solve
the
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apply
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problems.

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coherence cohesion
The essay somewhat follows a logical structure, but there are instances where ideas are not fully expanded upon or sequenced properly, causing some confusion for the reader. Attempt to create a clearer thread of arguments throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
There is an introduction and a conclusion in the essay, but both sections could be improved by providing a clearer thesis statement and summarising the main points more effectively in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are presented, but they need to be better supported with more detailed examples, explanations, and justifications to strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
task achievement
The response addresses the task, but the discussion of whether the prevalence of smartphone use among children is a positive or negative development is unbalanced. Ensure that both aspects of the question are addressed equally and that arguments for both sides are presented if you are making a one-sided argument.
task achievement
Ideas presented in the essay are related to the topic but are not comprehensively developed. Work on expanding and elaborating on the ideas in greater detail to provide a depth of analysis required at a higher band level.
task achievement
The essay lacks sufficiently relevant and specific examples to illustrate the points being made. Including such examples helps to demonstrate a clearer understanding of the topic and strengthen the writer's arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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