Some people believe that individuals should take full responsibility for their own health, while others argue that the government should play a larger role in promoting healthy lifestyles. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Some
people
suggest that taking care of health
is individual
thing Correct article usage
an individual
whereas
others believe that this
is a responcibility
of governments. In Correct your spelling
responsibility
this
essay
both sides are discussed and I give my personal opinion Add a comma
essay,
at the end
of the essay.
Every human being is aware of their own health
conditions and know
what they need to do. Change the verb form
knows
For example
, when I notice negative changes in my health
, I immediatly
visit my doctor to check my Correct your spelling
immediately
health
condition. Also
, people
can be engaged in any type of sport which is suitable for them to avoid being sick. Because, being physically active is definetly
beneficial to improve Correct your spelling
definitely
immune
, cardiovascular system , Add an article
the immune
in
addition
helps to be fitter and gain muscles.
Add the comma(s)
addition,
On the other hand
, governments are responsible to
Change preposition
for
human's
Change noun form
human
health
in some cases. They can encourage their local residents to get checked at least twice times a year via social media networks or television. Furthmore
, they can Correct your spelling
Furthermore
also
bann
junk food branches like Correct your spelling
ban
McDonalds
, Change noun form
Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
KFC
which are harmful to Correct word choice
and KFC
the
Correct article usage
apply
health
. For instance
, according to
the statistics, in USA
almost 40 % Correct article usage
the USA
percent
of Change the spelling
per cent
population
suffering obesity Add an article
the population
due to
consuming fast foods and not paying attention to the
healthy diet.
In conclusion, Correct article usage
a
people
should pay more attention to their health
, although
, authorities can take some actions to promote
Verb problem
encourage
people
to stay healthy. Personally believe that our health
is in our hands so take care yourself
and do not set aside serious changes Change preposition
of yourself
of
your Change preposition
in
health
.Submitted by zusarkulova81 on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical organization within your paragraphs by sticking to one main idea per paragraph and using clear topic sentences. Avoid abrupt jumps between ideas. Make use of linking words to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion must restate the topic and clearly reflect an understanding of the question. While both elements are present, they require a stronger focus on answering the prompt directly, with clear statements of your view.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with more detailed explanations, examples, and supporting evidence. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
While you address both views and provide an opinion, the completeness of the response could be improved. Ensure you fully develop both sides of the argument and clearly convey your personal stance throughout the essay, not just at the end.
task achievement
Your ideas need to be expressed more comprehensively. Make them clear and specific by expanding your explanations and providing more nuanced arguments. This will make your essay more insightful and engaging.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, but these could be more specific to strengthen your argument. Incorporate real-world facts, statistics, or studies to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issue.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.