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Band 4

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
It is admittedly true that
culting
Correct your spelling
cutting
 edge era
people
 have been more comfortable
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
learning academic courses
whose
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are
also
assists
Correct subject-verb agreement
assist
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
profession
Replace the word
professional
show examples
life
.
However
,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 is a lot of pressure on young
people
 today to succeed
life
 academically. As a outcome, a number of
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 believe that non-academic subjects,
for example
, physical
education
 and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic
work
. It seems to me that I disagree with
this
 motion and I will be narrated
to
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in
show examples
 the following paragraphs. Nowadays
people
 are more pressure
to
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on
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to learn and achieve something her
life
. A number of
people
 have been thinking
out
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about
show examples
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
show examples
education
system
 some
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 can not aid our tasks please It is absolutely wrong, if the pupils can't not learn everything, they will be not
successes
Replace the word
successful in
show examples
all
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
.
For example
, when
people
are not learn
Change the verb form
are not learning
show examples
 physical
education
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
thy
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 know how to live healthy
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and cocker
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 crucial
out
Change preposition
to
show examples
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
System
 because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 a number of
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
people
 are more comfortable
to
Wrong verb form
working at
show examples
work
 cooking
site
Fix the agreement mistake
sites
show examples
 so that they can easily achieve
her
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
success.
As a result
, the government is growing
her
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 GDP and private organizations
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 enhancing
her
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 brand. At
present day
Add a hyphen
present-day
show examples
people
 are trying to perfect all site that's why every subject is important of our
education
system
.
Although
 students are feeling it is too much difficult, in the upcoming days
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 will
be helping
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
work
 pace somehow. It
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only
aid
Correct subject-verb agreement
aids
show examples
 our tasks please but
also
it's
Verb problem
apply
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 our
body
Change noun form
body's
show examples
 fitness.
For instance
, when
people
 know physical experience is crucial for every person
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 every person is trying to do
this
. As
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 outcome, the community are living
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time.
Overall
 my judging
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
, I disagree with
this
 statement I think every subject is important to
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
system
.
Submitted by nabidislam31 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical flow and the ideas presented are not well-organized which impairs readability. Transitions between ideas are abrupt or non-existent, making the text challenging to follow for the reader.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, but they are not effective in clearly establishing and summarizing the essay's main argument. The introduction should outline the key points of discussion and the conclusion should succinctly encapsulate the author's standpoint.
coherence cohesion
The essay does support its main points, but the support provided is either too vague or irrelevant at times. More specific evidence, examples, and a deeper analysis of the subject would enrich the content and strengthen the essay's argument.
task achievement
The essay fails to fully address all parts of the task. The perspective on the importance of non-academic subjects is mentioned but not explained or developed with clear arguments or pertinent examples.
task achievement
Ideas presented in the essay are not explained clearly and comprehensively. There is a need to articulate thoughts more distinctly and use examples that directly relate to the thesis to make the argument more convincing.
task achievement
The examples provided are not sufficiently relevant or detailed to support the essay's argument. Consider including more specific and directly related examples to underscore the points being made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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