The chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Australia. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Australia.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar chart shows the locations that are visited by different groups of Australian citizens.
Overall
Linking Words
,
migrants
Use synonyms
from English-speaking countries are the main visitors
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
zoos and theatres,
while
Linking Words
migrants
Use synonyms
from other countries prefer visiting
Use synonyms
library
Fix the agreement mistake
libraries
show examples
, still having cinema as the most popular place to go among native Australians.
To begin
Linking Words
with, the data shows that half of
zoo
Add an article
the zoo
show examples
visitors are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
English speaking
Add a hyphen
English-speaking
show examples
migrants
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, Native Australians and
migrants
Use synonyms
from other countries take smaller parts in zoo popularity, with around 42 and 35
percentages
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
respectively. To continue with,
Use synonyms
library
Add an article
the library
show examples
is really
favored
Change the spelling
favoured
show examples
by the
non-english
Change the capitalization
non-English
show examples
speaking
migrants
Use synonyms
, taking almost 60
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
the other
migrants
Use synonyms
prefer it less, with 40
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
on their bar. The native citizens go to the
library
Use synonyms
a bit less, around 38
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Theatre is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the least popular attraction for people. The
non-english
Change the capitalization
non-English
show examples
speaking
migrants
Use synonyms
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
10
Change preposition
up 10
show examples
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
visitors
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
, twice as less as the natives. Around 25
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
goes to the
last
Linking Words
category of
people
Add an article
a people
the people
show examples
group. Cinema is the most popular attraction in Australia, especially among the natives, with
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
show examples
70
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. It is a bit less popular to the
non-english
Change the capitalization
non-English
show examples
speaking
migrants
Use synonyms
than
Use synonyms
library
Add an article
a library
the library
show examples
, having only 50
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
for
English speaking
Add a hyphen
English-speaking
show examples
migrants
Use synonyms
it is
also
Linking Words
the most popular attraction, having almost 65
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Submitted by firescorpion991 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
Vocabulary: Replace the words migrants, library, percent with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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