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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe that there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative
It is clear that
crime
 is one of the pressing issues in
society
. I believe that harsh punishment is a good way to reduce
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
rate
while
 I think alternative ways are better. I admit that serving longer
prison
 sentences is a good way
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
this
 solution acts as a deterrent to would-be
criminals
 and gives them a chance to think twice.
Besides
, implementing longer
prison
 sentences for
criminals
 would help
society
 combat
criminals
 and create a
society
 without
crime
.
However
 harsh punishment would push a pile of pressure on overstretched
prison
Fix the agreement mistake
prisons
show examples
.
As a result
, taxpayers will have to pay more money annually for the operation cost of
prison
.
Besides
, with the resentment of some prisoners, they would make plans to escape and can not be rehabilitated.
Consequently
,
this
 measure would fail to address the root causes of the problem. Observation in current
society
, poverty and unemployment are
one
Correct determiner usage
some
show examples
 of the driving reasons for
criminals
.
Because of living
Change preposition
Living
show examples
 under those conditions
forcing
Wrong verb form
forced
show examples
 them to take what they did not have to sustain their life and their family.
Moreover
, the lack of education
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 the major reason for the increase in
crime
rate
. As they were not taught properly
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
they have no choice but to be educated on
streets
Correct article usage
the streets
show examples
 rather than at school.
Therefore
, providing job opportunities and making education more accessible for people would play an important role in decreasing the
crime
rate
. In conclusion, it is undeniable that longer
prison
 sentences are an effective solution to decrease the
crime
rate
.
However
, there are lots of alternative solutions to improve
this
 pressing issue.
Submitted by nghaphgtring2007 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
You should aim to present clear and logical arguments. The essay has noticeable issues with logical structure and flow, causing occasional confusion for the reader. To improve, focus on creating more cohesive and coherent paragraphs with clear topic sentences, supporting details, and concluding sentences that are well-connected.
Task Achievement
While the essay responds to the task, the response needs to be more developed with clear and comprehensive ideas that directly address the given prompts. Illustrating points with relevant examples would strengthen the effectiveness of arguments and contribute to a higher band score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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