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Band 4.5

The responsibility of bringing up children should be shared equally between mother and father. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#responsibility #children #mother #father
Children are the backbone of each and every nation and
childhood
Correct article usage
the childhood
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 period is a golden era. Some
cliam
Correct your spelling
claim
 that parents should share equally the responsibility of
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
kids
. I strongly agree with
this
 statement because
women
work
 like men and two
side
Change to a plural noun
sides
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 of
moniters
Correct your spelling
monitors
 help more,
this
 essay shall discuss it briefly
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the following reasons.
To begin
 with, parenthood should be shared equally because
women
 go to
work
 and earn money as same as men.
Mother
Fix the agreement mistake
Mothers
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 used to
bringing
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 up toddlers
while
 they did not go to
work
 but now they
work
,
therefore
,
father
Add an article
the father
a father
show examples
 should take half
Correct article usage
the responsibilty
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responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 from
mother
Correct article usage
the mother
show examples
 for
growing
Verb problem
raising
show examples
kids
, and
as a result
,
Correct article usage
the mother
show examples
mother
Change noun form
mother's
show examples
 workload might be reduced.
For example
, if fathers take responsibility as much as
women
 take for
raisisng
Correct your spelling
raising
kids
, mothers might be promoted
Change preposition
to the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 higher position in their profession because many enterprises are appointed
women
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior level
Add a hyphen
senior-level
show examples
 position. It can provide more financial benefits to
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
, especially infants and their future too,
hence
,
parentshood
Correct your spelling
parenthood
 should be divided equally which
mother
 and
father
 should take it.
Furthermore
, the new generation
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 both their
parents
Change noun form
parent's
parents'
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 care and love because infants are influenced easily by social media and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
. They do not know the difference between
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
right and wrong behaviour and attitude
while
 mothers and fathers should
takecare
Correct your spelling
take care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 little buds equally.
For instance
,
father
Add an article
a father
the father
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 might
be controlled
Wrong verb form
control
show examples
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 bad behaviour by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strict punishments
while
mother
Add an article
the mother
show examples
 can
be helped
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
kids
education
Change preposition
in education
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 to get better
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
. When parenthood should be shared equally
while
toddlers
Change noun form
toddlers'
toddler's
show examples
 life would be improved by the two sides of care and
moniter
Correct your spelling
monitor
, they are able to enhance their future.
Therefore
,
mother
 and
father
 should be shared equally for growing
kids
.
To conclude
, parents should share their responsibility of bringing up infants
due
Change preposition
because
show examples
 to
mother
go
Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
show examples
 to
work
 and
earn
Correct subject-verb agreement
earns
show examples
 money as much as
father
Correct article usage
the father
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, the new
genartaions
Correct your spelling
generations
generation
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
toddlers
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 two sides of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
care and love.
Therefore
, I strongly agree with
this
 statement in the above-mentioned details.
This
 tendency drives more benefits to society.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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task achievement
Your essay lacks in-depth development of your main points and you need to provide more specific and relevant examples to support your opinion. Ensure that your arguments are fleshed out and that the examples you give directly reinforce your stance.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of ideas could be improved by better organizing the information presented. You should ensure that each paragraph clearly focuses on a single main idea. Additionally, the use of linking words and phrases should be enhanced to create more cohesion between your sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Take care to address the prompt more directly and clearly. Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened. Make sure your essay has a clear thesis statement in the introduction and that the conclusion summarizes your points effectively without introducing new information.
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