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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period.
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The bar chart illustrates the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of unemployed
graduate
Fix the agreement mistake
graduates
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 male and female between the age of 20 to 24 years, in a particular European nation from 2008 to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can
be see
Change the verb form
be seen
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 that numbers of
non- working
Correct your spelling
non-working
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 graduates increase in
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 within the given time frame. Meanwhile, the men recorded the highest
proportion
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.
To begin
Linking Words
, in January 2008, the
proportion
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 of unemployed graduate males and females stood at 10 and about 7, respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in the
month
Fix the agreement mistake
months
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 of April and July,
it's
Correct your spelling
its
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 figure fell to under 10 in
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
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, which was the lowest number of unemployment for
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
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 in 2008.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the number of male
gender
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 that was not employed skyrocketed to over 15
while
Linking Words
 that of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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female was slightly above 10 in the month of October.
In addition
Linking Words
,
population
Add an article
the population
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 of men between the age range of 20 to 24, who were not employed decreased and stood at almost
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 figure in January and April 2009 at around 12. Meanwhile, that of women decreased lower than it's opposite
gender
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 at under 10 in
both
Use synonyms
 months. The number of unemployed graduates male kept on decreasing but that of the female increased to 10 in July.
Finally
Linking Words
, the rate of unemployment in men peaked
to
Change preposition
at
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 over 20 in October and it was the highest level of unemployment when compared to the
pervious
Correct your spelling
previous
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 year,
whereas
Linking Words
, the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of unemployed women rose gradually to under 15 in the same in 2009.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, both, gender with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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