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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of boys and girls playing sport in an English town in 2012

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The bar graph illustrates the
number
Use synonyms
 of
boys
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 and
girls
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 playing 6 types of sports in a town in a single year.
Overall
Linking Words
,
boys
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 prefer tennis and
football
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 the most.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
girls
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 love to play badminton & swimming mostly.
Hockey
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 is the least famous sport in the town. Specifically,
football
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 is the most famous sport for
boys
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 which shows the highest value, 60.
Also
Linking Words
, nearly 50
boys
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 played tennis which was the second highest. Less
boys
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 played badminton and
hockey
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 which shows the
number
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 30 or below. In
football
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, the difference between the
number
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 of
boys
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 and
girls
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 is the highest; 60
boys
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 played it
whereas
Linking Words
girls
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 played only 20.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, about 90
girls
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 enjoyed swimming and badminton of which 50 went swimming. Only 50 people went for cycling,
football
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 and
hockey
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.
Hockey
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 shows the least
number
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, 10. From the graph, we can
also
Linking Words
 see that
boys
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 played sport more than
girls
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 by
number
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 in 2012.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, on the other hand".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, boys, girls, football, hockey with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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