IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to imporse a higher tax on this kind of food. TO what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #people #health #food #governments #imporse #tax
We have two pie charts, which show us information about the main
sources
 of
energy
 about their increase and decrease in the USA for 10
years
. In the first chart, we can see some
sources
 of
energy
 which had a low percentage in the past. And
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
on the other pie, we can see how some
sources
 of
energy
 increased during some
years
. In 1980, in the USA the more space for
sources
 of
energy
 took oil, it was 42%. But in 1990 it was decreased by 9%. As the second leader located natural gas, it decreased too, by 1%. Those types of decreased because
people
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 been using it for many
years
 without stopping and they can not fill up because it is a mineral resource. After 10
years
 in 1990, these types of source
energy
 like coal, hydroelectric and nuclear power were increasing.
People
 found more deposits of coal, and because of
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 it increased by 5%. But if we talk about hydroelectric power it did not increase, because
people
 did not build more hydroelectric stations to increase that type of
energy
. But for nuclear power, over 10
years
people
 created more nuclear stations, so it was increased by 5%. #javlon #day3
Submitted by bekzodeshonjonovv on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay you have written does not address the given IELTS task. The topic was related to the health problems caused by fast food and the necessity of imposing taxes, but your response discusses sources of energy in the USA over a period of 10 years. This indicates a significant deviation from the topic, resulting in a low task response score.
coherence cohesion
Regarding coherence and cohesion, your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are crucial for structuring your argument. There is also a lack of logical sequencing and cohesive devices, making it difficult for the reader to follow your points. Consider structuring your essay with clear paragraph divisions, and use linking words to connect your ideas effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: