IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

What are the advantages and disadvantages for children of watching television ?

Nowadays ,because of developing electronics ,most people especially
children
Use synonyms
 spend their time
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching .For many parents allowing to watch
television
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 to their
children
Use synonyms
 its
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 chance
for avoiding
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to avoid
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 spending too much time
on
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with
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 their
children
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 .It will play good and
also
Linking Words
 bad roles in their life.So I will discuss
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 and disadvantages of watching
television
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 . Let`s begin by looking at the disadvantages of watching
television
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.On the main
negatives
Fix the agreement mistake
negative
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 of watching
television
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 is you, can not control control clips(films,
cartoon
Fix the agreement mistake
cartoons
show examples
)which
broadcasting
Wrong verb form
broadcasted
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from
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on
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television
Use synonyms
.
Every thing
Correct your spelling
Everything
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 which
broadcasting
Wrong verb form
broadcast
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 from
television
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 can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
to
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apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
`s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.That can kindle bad ideas in their mind . It can damage their upbringing and behaviours .
For example
Linking Words
,my uncle`s son (my cousin,who is 9 years old) .He became interested in broadcastings about catching and preventing terrorism,
extremism
Correct word choice
and extremism
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,generally speaking in aggressive broadcasts . After
week
Add an article
a week
show examples
watching
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of watching
show examples
 that my cousin became more aggressive.He started to
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not do things that
says
Wrong verb form
said
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 father and
answering
Wrong verb form
answered
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 with insults which was
reason
Add an article
the reason
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of
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for
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Correct pronoun usage
his
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limitation on watching
television
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 .
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 that decision was sensible
,
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apply
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because my cousin is changed . Turning to the other side of the argument ,I can not say it definitely that watching
television
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 is bad .It is up to only themselves .
Children
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 can take useful information from
television
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 .
Children
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 can be informed about Africa`s animals or about plants
and
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apply
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etc. Taking myself as an example,in 2016 when I was 7 .I started watching anime series which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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broadcasting
Wrong verb form
broadcast
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 every day
in
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on
show examples
television
Use synonyms
 in
russian
Change the capitalization
Russian
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 even
I
Correct word choice
though I
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did not understand, I continued watching . After 2 years
continually
Change preposition
of continually
show examples
 watching I started not only
understand
Wrong verb form
understanding
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and
Correct word choice
but
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also
Linking Words
speak
Wrong verb form
speaking
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 language even
I
Correct word choice
though I
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did
no
Correct your spelling
not
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 use any vocabulary . In conclusion ,considering all sides of watching
television
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 ,I believe that watching
television
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not harmful to
children
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 if you can choose
correct
Correct article usage
the correct
show examples
 broadcast or channel
to
Change preposition
for
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 your child.I think watching
television
Use synonyms
 can improve
children
Use synonyms
`s knowledge about
whole
Change the article
the whole
show examples
 world which is quite useful for all
children
Use synonyms

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear, logical structure, making it difficult to follow your argument. Consider using a more structured approach with clear paragraphs that each address a separate point. Make sure you have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened. Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. Conclude with a summary of your main points and a restatement of your position.
task achievement
While you discussed the topic, there is room for improvement in presenting a completely developed response. Expand on your ideas and make sure that you fully address the task by providing a balanced discussion of both sides.
task achievement
The ideas presented in your essay are not consistently clear or comprehensive. Work on developing your points more thoroughly and provide clear reasoning to support each one.
task achievement
You provided examples, but they need to be more relevant and specific to strongly support your main points. Use examples that are directly connected to the argument you're making, and explore them in depth to illustrate your points effectively.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • engaging
  • linguistic skills
  • exposure
  • inappropriate content
  • distort
  • optimizing
  • debate
  • implications
  • viewing habits
  • parental guidance
  • educational programs
  • screen time
  • stereotypes
  • unhealthy behaviors
What to do next:
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