IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In today ‘s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work while some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents ‘ absence. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is no denying the fact that nowadays, both
parents
Use synonyms
 are
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working
parents
Use synonyms
 in many families. Some think that
this
Linking Words
 trend provides multifarious
benefits
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 who are from both
parents
Use synonyms
 are working,
while
Linking Words
 others opine that infants suffer
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
lonliness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
due to
Linking Words
 their
Use synonyms
parents'
Correct your spelling
parent's
show examples
 absence. I agree with a former opinion and
this
Linking Words
 essay shall discuss it briefly for the following reasons. On the one hand,
children
Use synonyms
 can get multifarious
benefits
Use synonyms
 from an extra income
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their mothers and father's work
such
Linking Words
 as they can get a better education, healthcare and higher education.
For example
Linking Words
, toddlers from working family, and they can study well
as
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apply
show examples
compared to non-working
family's
Change noun form
families
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 because
parents
Use synonyms
 have enough money to send their kids to
tution
Correct your spelling
tuition
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 to enhance their academic performance. To be more precise,
children
Use synonyms
 can obtain more good qualities from their employed
parents
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 like
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
, time management and
multitask
Change the form of the verb
multitasking
show examples
 skills
too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, and
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
minors may adhere
these
Change preposition
to these
show examples
 qualities in future, and
as a result
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, their future is secured.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 trend that minors can obtain many
benefits
Use synonyms
 from their working
parents
Use synonyms
get
Correct word choice
and get
show examples
 an extra income.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, toddlers may feel lonely
due to
Linking Words
 their mothers and fathers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
absence.
This
Linking Words
 can
lead to affecting
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
 the child mentally and emotionally because a child
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to
be pamper
Change the verb form
be pampered
show examples
 and
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
any one of
Use synonyms
parents
Correct article usage
the parents
show examples
 whether father or mother.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
nations
Add a comma
nations,
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
families
are worked in
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
, and their kids
are suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 loneliness and homesickness because they need their
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parent's
parents'
show examples
 care
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a whole day.
In other words
Linking Words
, when
parents
Use synonyms
 are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
absence
Replace the word
absent
show examples
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
kids might
be followed
Wrong verb form
follow
show examples
 some indulged behaviours namely smoking.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 dual earnings
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
be supported
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 by
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 better
eduaction
Correct your spelling
education
 and healthcare facilities,
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 may be affected
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
emotionally and mentally
as well
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 they may adhere
bad
Change preposition
to bad
show examples
 behaviours
too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
when their
parents
Use synonyms
 to go
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that the adolescent obtain more
benefits
Use synonyms
 from their parent's additional income.

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coherence cohesion
While you presented an argument, the organization and logical development of the essay could be improved significantly. Ideas should flow naturally from one to the next with appropriate linking words and clear topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
You effectively included both an introduction and a conclusion, which is good, but it would enhance the quality of your essay to tighten up the connection between these sections, ensuring that the conclusion accurately reflects the content and stance of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Some main points were supported, but the support given was often vague or lacking depth. Try to use more specific and varied examples, and ensure that explanations are fully developed to make a strong case.
task achievement
You addressed the task, but the response was not completely developed. Make sure to fully engage with all parts of the prompt, providing a balanced discussion that systematically explores the issues at hand with depth and reasoning.
task achievement
Your ideas were relevant but not always expressed clearly or comprehensively. Work on sharpening your arguments and ensuring they are well understood. Clear and direct language can aid in this endeavor, avoiding overly complex sentences that may confuse the reader.
task achievement
The examples used were relevant, but they could be more specific and detailed. Including concrete examples from real-life situations or citing sources could strengthen the essay significantly.
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