IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The chart below gives Information about the percentage of the adult population who were overweight in four different countries in 1980, 1990 and 2000.

The chart below gives Information about the percentage of the adult population who were overweight in four different countries in 1980, 1990 and 2000.
#information #percentage #adult #population #four #countries
The bar graph demonstrates
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of obese adults in various countries during 20
years
 period. Looking
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
overall
 structure,it is readily apparent that,
experienced
Correct pronoun usage
there experienced
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
increase
 in each
countries
Change to a singular noun
country
show examples
,except
Japan
.The highest share of corpulent adults was in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
,and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan
 had the lowest
percentage
 of obese people in each given
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
. Looking at
Japan
 and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
,there is a sharp difference between their proportion of plump people.The
percentage
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
almost doubled within 20
years
Correct your spelling
20-year
 period.The proportion is more or less the same in
Japan
.
Change preposition
apply
show examples
As for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,Finland and Australia constantly experienced
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
increase
Change preposition
in
show examples
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the share of overweight people.The
percentage
 rose from 5% to nearly 10% in Finland,but the rate of Australians went up from 5% to approximately 20%
at the end
.It shows that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the share of
increase
Add an article
the increase
show examples
 in Australia was much higher than
Finland
Change preposition
in Finland
show examples
.
Finally
,there was
increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
show examples
 in
rate
Add an article
the rate
show examples
 of obese adults in all four countries,but
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 the
percentage
 was higher in Australia and America over the mentioned
years
.
Submitted by zeynalli.tarana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words years, increase, japan, percentage with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 4 times.
▼

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: