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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below gives Information about the percentage of the adult population who were overweight in four different countries in 1980, 1990 and 2000.

The chart below gives Information about the percentage of the adult population who were overweight in four different countries in 1980, 1990 and 2000.
#information #percentage #adult #population #four #countries
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The bar graph demonstrates
proportion
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the proportion
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 of obese adults in various countries during 20
years
Use synonyms
 period. Looking
from
Change preposition
at
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 the
overall
Linking Words
 structure,it is readily apparent that,
experienced
Correct pronoun usage
there experienced
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a
Change the article
an
show examples
increase
Use synonyms
 in each
countries
Change to a singular noun
country
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,except
Japan
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.The highest share of corpulent adults was in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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,and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan
Use synonyms
 had the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of obese people in each given
Use synonyms
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
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. Looking at
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
,there is a sharp difference between their proportion of plump people.The
percentage
Use synonyms
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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almost doubled within 20
Use synonyms
years
Correct your spelling
20-year
 period.The proportion is more or less the same in
Japan
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.
Change preposition
apply
show examples
As for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,Finland and Australia constantly experienced
a
Correct article usage
an
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increase
Use synonyms
Change preposition
in
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about
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in
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 the share of overweight people.The
percentage
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 rose from 5% to nearly 10% in Finland,but the rate of Australians went up from 5% to approximately 20%
at the end
Linking Words
.It shows that
,
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apply
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 the share of
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increase
Add an article
the increase
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 in Australia was much higher than
Finland
Change preposition
in Finland
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.
Finally
Linking Words
,there was
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increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
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 in
rate
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the rate
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 of obese adults in all four countries,but
specially
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especially
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 the
percentage
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 was higher in Australia and America over the mentioned
years
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.
Submitted by zeynalli.tarana on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words years, increase, japan, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 4 times.
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