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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie chart shows women in poverty in the United States and bar chart compares poverty rates by gender.

The pie chart shows women in poverty in the United States and bar chart compares poverty rates by gender.
#women #poverty #states #bar #rates #gender
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The pie
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrates females in poverty in America, whilst the bar
chart
Use synonyms
 displays poverty rates by gender.
Overall
Linking Words
, the majority of women who are living in poverty are those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are single with no dependent children. The
least
Correct your spelling
last
show examples
 number is given to those who are married with no offspring. The bar
chart
Use synonyms
 shows that there are a lot more women who struggle with money than
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men,
this
Linking Words
 increases with age, falls slightly and
then
Linking Words
 grows again. Looking at the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 in more detail, more than half the women (54%) struggling with finances are those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are single with no children. Just over a quarter, 26%, belongs to those who are married with no offspring.
However
Linking Words
, when children are involved,
this
Linking Words
 value slightly increases for those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are married compared to those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are not, the figures respectively being 12 and 8. Moving onto the bar
chart
Use synonyms
, there are more females than males
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 struggle with money.
This
Linking Words
 dramatically rises and peaks from the ages of 18-24, where 20% of girls are
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
 and only 15% of boys.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the numbers fall for both genders before slowly climbing up again at age 75 to 15% girls and 5% boys.
Submitted by abeera2012 on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "falls" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increases" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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