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Band 4.5

Many students find it difficult to focus or pay attention at schools nowadays. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem? Write at least 250 words

#students #focus #attention #schools
Many
students
 state that it is very difficult
for having
Verb problem
to
show examples
 focus in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 presently. I believe that
this
 issue was caused by
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 profound effect of screen addiction and social
media
.
However
, parents and teachers
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
primarily shoulder the responsibility
could
Correct word choice
and could
show examples
 overcome the problem
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strict
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 and giving
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deep
advise
Replace the word
advice
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
students
.
Students
 usually use
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 technology
such
 as
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
 and
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 in order to
improving
Change the verb
improve
show examples
 their quality
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 education and
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment in today’s world.
Nevertheless
, they might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not always use them wisely.
As a result
,
students
 are commonly having screen addiction because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they are eager to interact with other people through social
media
.
Moreover
,
students
 might face
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
 like bullying
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
.
This
 condition could lead
into
Change preposition
to
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 devastating consequences for
students
 including difficulties
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 having focus throughout
learning
Add an article
the learning
show examples
 process.
Nonetheless
Add a comma
Nonetheless,
show examples
 parents should have a certain rule about using electronic
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
, which could lead
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 positive
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
. Parents could limit the time for gizmo’s utilization by children.
For example
, children could use their gizmo only for about 28 hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week.
Furthermore
, teachers could
also
 provide
advises
Replace the word
advice
show examples
 about how to
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 social
media
 wisely, which could give solid understanding
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
students
.
For instance
, teachers could give a brief explanation about how to prevent bullying that
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 up from other people
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
. In conclusion,
students
 might not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
focus
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 because they face screen addiction and bullying
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
. Implementing a strict rule for using electronic
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 and giving
advises
Replace the word
advice
show examples
 could be one of the best solutions to tackle the problem.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to have clear logical progression in your essay. The ideas presented seem disconnected, causing confusion about the flow of the essay. Each paragraph should lead naturally into the next, with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices.
Coherence and Cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that clearly states the topic of the essay and your stance on it. Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be made clearer and more concise.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points with clear explanations and specific examples. The points mentioned lack depth and concrete details which would make the essay more persuasive and well-argued.
Task Achievement
Fully address all parts of the question. Make sure to explore both the causes and solutions to the problem in a balanced manner, offering a comprehensive answer to the prompt.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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