IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many students find it difficult to focus or pay attention at schools nowadays. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?

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Many
students
Use synonyms
 state that it is very difficult
for having
Verb problem
to
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 focus in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 presently. I believe that
this
Linking Words
 issue was caused by
a
Correct article usage
the
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 profound effect of screen addiction and social
media
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, parents and teachers
as
Correct word choice
apply
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primarily shoulder the responsibility
could
Correct word choice
and could
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 overcome the problem
through
Change preposition
by
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 having
a
Correct article usage
apply
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strict
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
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 and giving
a
Correct article usage
apply
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deep
advise
Replace the word
advice
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for
Change preposition
to
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students
Use synonyms
.
Students
Use synonyms
 usually use
an
Remove the article
apply
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advance
Replace the word
advanced
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 technology
such
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 as
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
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 and
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 in order to
improving
Change the verb
improve
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 their quality
in
Change preposition
of
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 education and
as
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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entertainment in today’s world.
Nevertheless
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, they might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not always use them wisely.
As a result
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 are commonly having screen addiction because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they are eager to interact with other people through social
media
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 might face
a
Correct article usage
apply
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negative
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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 like bullying
in
Change preposition
on
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 social
media
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 condition could lead
into
Change preposition
to
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 devastating consequences for
students
Use synonyms
 including difficulties
for
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in
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 having focus throughout
learning
Add an article
the learning
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 process.
Linking Words
Nonetheless
Add a comma
Nonetheless,
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 parents should have a certain rule about using electronic
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
, which could lead
into
Change preposition
to
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 positive
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
. Parents could limit the time for gizmo’s utilization by children.
For example
Linking Words
, children could use their gizmo only for about 28 hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, teachers could
also
Linking Words
 provide
advises
Replace the word
advice
show examples
 about how to
using
Wrong verb form
use
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 social
media
Use synonyms
 wisely, which could give solid understanding
for
Change preposition
to
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students
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, teachers could give a brief explanation about how to prevent bullying that
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 up from other people
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
students
Use synonyms
 might not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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focus
in
Change preposition
on
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 their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
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 because they face screen addiction and bullying
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
. Implementing a strict rule for using electronic
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 and giving
advises
Replace the word
advice
show examples
 could be one of the best solutions to tackle the problem.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to have clear logical progression in your essay. The ideas presented seem disconnected, causing confusion about the flow of the essay. Each paragraph should lead naturally into the next, with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices.
Coherence and Cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that clearly states the topic of the essay and your stance on it. Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be made clearer and more concise.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points with clear explanations and specific examples. The points mentioned lack depth and concrete details which would make the essay more persuasive and well-argued.
Task Achievement
Fully address all parts of the question. Make sure to explore both the causes and solutions to the problem in a balanced manner, offering a comprehensive answer to the prompt.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • stimulating
  • interactive
  • engaging
  • pressures
  • stress management
  • nutritional factors
  • physical education
  • well-being
  • one-size-fits-all
  • diverse learning styles
  • disengagement
  • personalized learning experiences
  • project-based learning
  • overcrowded
  • infrastructures
  • minimizing distractions
What to do next:
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