many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems.suagry products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar . do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, there are many
health
Use synonyms
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
and consumption of food and drink that include high levels of
sugar
Use synonyms
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
us to face
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health
Use synonyms
problems.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
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of
people
Use synonyms
think that more
tax
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taxes
show examples
or
charge
Fix the agreement mistake
charges
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
sugar
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force
people
Use synonyms
and factories to use less
sugar
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. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
I will explain why
I'm
Unnecessary verb
I
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totally disagree
by
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with
show examples
this
Linking Words
attitude.
To begin
Linking Words
, there is no doubt
in
Change preposition
that
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
usage is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
majority
Add an article
the majority
show examples
of individual and has a bad impact on their
health
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
high
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
or increasing
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price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
just has a short effect on decreasing usage.
in
Linking Words
addition
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addition,
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there are many workers who are working in
factory
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a factory
show examples
which is
product
Correct article usage
a product
show examples
food
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of food
show examples
or drink that
contain
Change the verb form
contains
show examples
sugar
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, in order to
price
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rise, companies should unemployed their staff so
this
Linking Words
is a disadvantage for society and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the other hand, there are numerous
people
Use synonyms
who love sweets
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
mean they are addicted
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
sweets
Replace the word
Sweet
show examples
price
Use synonyms
changes has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad drawback on their mental
such
Linking Words
as depression, if
government
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the government
show examples
wants to control
sugar
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consumption, it should make
people
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aware of disadvantages of
sugar
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using
further
Linking Words
how can threat their
health
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. In
this
Linking Words
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
will
mange
Correct your spelling
manage
show examples
their
consume
Replace the word
consumption
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugary products.
Also
Linking Words
government
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
encourage
people
Use synonyms
to Do physical activity like joining to gym club
follow to
Wrong verb form
and following
show examples
moderation
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
food and drink
help
Fix the infinitive
to help
show examples
them to be safe from
health
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problem. In conclusion,
price
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change is not
first
Add an article
the first
a first
show examples
and foremost way to control
people
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from
sugar
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consumption,
that is
Linking Words
good for
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
time and
this
Linking Words
lead
Replace the word
leads
show examples
society to face
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
job and mental
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
in
Capitalize word
In
show examples
my attuite teaching
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
about disadvantages and
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
them to do more activity it's better than
price
Use synonyms
rising.
Submitted by sinaazimifar on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks clear and coherent organization, which affects the logical flow of information. It is important to plan your points clearly and structure your essay into clear paragraphs, each with a single main idea that is expanded upon with supporting details.
coherence cohesion
While you have provided an introduction and conclusion, they need to be clearer and more succinct. They should clearly state your position and summarize the main points of the argument without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points need to be supported with more specific examples and details to strengthen your arguments. Try to include evidence or data that supports your points, or hypothetical examples that illustrate your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
You have responded to the task, and your position is present, but you need to ensure that your ideas are fully developed and extended. Aim for a more comprehensive discussion of the topic with clear, direct arguments.
task achievement
The clarity of your ideas is occasionally affected by unclear expressions and grammatical errors. Work on clarifying your ideas by expressing them in a direct and simple manner, ensuring each paragraph contains a single, clear point.
task achievement
Use of relevant examples is an effective way to strengthen your argument. You have attempted to provide examples, but they are not sufficiently specific or detailed. Incorporate more precise examples that are directly related to the argument to illustrate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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