IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.

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In today's world
people
Use synonyms
's
skin
Use synonyms
 tone has to play an important role in their lives. So, many of them buy
skincare
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products
Use synonyms
 but company owners think about their profitability in the market compared to giving good
skin
Use synonyms
 cream to customers. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss and conclude my point below. To
gein
Correct your spelling
begin
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 with the first and
foresmost
Correct your spelling
foremost
 reason for the growth in the market of personal care items is
people
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's preferences. These days,
people
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 desire to have white
cuticle
Fix the agreement mistake
cuticles
show examples
 as compared to darker
cuticle
Fix the agreement mistake
cuticles
show examples
.
Therefore
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, they use different kinds of
products
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 to change the colour of their face.
However
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, because the willingness to be white is huge, they tend to buy cheaper
products
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 which contain hazardous ingredients that
caused
Wrong verb form
cause
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 severe surface diseases
such
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 as cancer and irritation. Populations with dusky membranes were discriminated against in most parts of the world, causing
inferiority
Correct article usage
an inferiority
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 complex and low self-esteem.
For example
Linking Words
, One famous YouTuber bought
one
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
skincare
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product
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 and used it after two days the person's face was full of acne and pimples.
Not to mention
Linking Words
 that the cosmetic company hires them as their brand ambassador.
As a result
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, having white sheaths is an aspiration of many populations, and they have a tendency to buy white cream
Secondly
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, everyone has a different body type because of that pimples and
skin
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 change but many of them buy the
product
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 without knowing their problem after using that
product
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 extra pimples as been raised.
Moreover
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, folks with a dark rind are valued less due orthodox mindset of community, family and friends..
Nonetheless
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,
this
Linking Words
 trend affects in many ways both health and social perspectives. In the community, folk who do not follow the social
skin
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 standard tend to experience underestimated. After consulting
to
Change preposition
with
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 them the
product
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 can be bought.
Additionally
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, many of the companies sell fake
skincare
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products
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 for their profit in the market. Nowadays, men are using
skincare
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products
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.
Consequently
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, many
people
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 push themselves to be white, and they impulsively buy cosmetics without considering the detrimental impacts on their healthy
skin
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. I conclude that many of them are affected by health issues and the
products
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 they are using
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. Before buying any kind of
product
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 we can consult with good a doctor or friends because there are many fake
products
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.

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks precise structuring. Introduction and conclusion are present but do not effectively present the topic or summarize the main points. Aim for a clear thesis statement and a conclusion that reaffirms your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the paragraphs could be improved. Ideas and arguments are presented in a somewhat disorganized manner. Focus on creating distinct paragraphs for each main idea, use clear topic sentences, and ensure transitions between ideas flow smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Main points need more support. Examples provided are not effectively integrated into the argument. Enhance your essay by incorporating specific, relevant examples that clearly support the points you are trying to make.
task achievement
The response does not fully address all parts of the task. The health and society implications are mentioned but not thoroughly explored. Develop each point with more detail and provide clear explanations to cover the task sufficiently.
task achievement
Your ideas are not articulated clearly and comprehensively. The essay contains several grammar and spelling errors that hinder clarity. Focus on proofreading your work for errors and ensuring that each sentence clearly expresses an idea.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples is limited, impacting the persuasiveness of your arguments. Incorporate more specific and detailed evidence to demonstrate the real-world implications of skin whitening products.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Skin lightening
  • Whitening products
  • Cultural standards
  • Beauty ideals
  • Media portrayal
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Colorism
  • Self-esteem
  • Toxic ingredients
  • Hydroquinone
  • Mercury
  • Melanin
  • Dermatological health
  • Consumer awareness
  • Regulatory bodies
  • Ethical marketing
  • Natural remedies
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