IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#celebrities #entertainers #athletes #people #support
The bar chart gives data about
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of music faculty
students
 in Australia over a period
6
Change preposition
of 6
show examples
years and
pie
Add an article
the pie
show examples
 chart shows how they chose their career way after university. We can see that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
enrollment
Correct article usage
the enrollment
show examples
 of men was significantly lower than women. Females proportions in all
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 only increased. Most
students
pursuade
Correct your spelling
pursue
persuade
 alternative career way,
while
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
 percentage stay in their profession. In 2000,both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 had the same number. In 2001, the
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of male
students
 started to sharply
decreased
Wrong verb form
decrease
show examples
,
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 20% by the end of
given
Add an article
a given
the given
show examples
 period.
While
figure
Add an article
the figure
show examples
 for female
students
 rose intensely and in 2006 reached a peak of nearly 60%. After graduating from the university 55% of graduates chose another profession, which is far from music. 25% of people got
similar
Add an article
a similar
show examples
 job as their faculty and only 20%
graduates
Change preposition
of graduates
show examples
 continued their musical career. #Shaxrizada #REPORT3
Submitted by bekzodeshonjonovv on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are essential for structuring your argument. Please ensure you include these elements to clearly establish your position and summarise your main points effectively.
logical flow
Improve the essay's logical structure by using linking words and clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to better guide the reader through your argument.
task response
Make sure to directly address the task and stay relevant to the question. Provide a more detailed response that fully covers the requirements of the task. Explain and elaborate on your main points for a stronger argument.
development
Your essay needs clearer development of ideas. Each paragraph should contain a single, coherent point that supports your overall argument. Avoid listing information without explaining or analyzing how it supports your position.
examples
While you provided examples, your essay would benefit from more detailed and specific examples to strengthen your points. Use these examples to clearly demonstrate the relevance and impact of your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: