IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic: According to those in the travel business, the nature of the average 'holiday' is changing. Rather than seeking a relaxing break in a far-away place, people now want excitement on their holidays and are keen to participate in unusual and challenging activities. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The bar chart gives information about the
students
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 enrolled in
music
Correct article usage
the music
show examples
 faculty in
Australian
Correct article usage
an Australian
show examples
 university over a period of 6 years, and the pie chart provides how they chose their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
graduation.
Body paragraph 1
It is visible that the
number
Use synonyms
 of
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
 scholars
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 registered in
music
Correct article usage
the music
show examples
 section
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 lower than women scholars.
Body paragraph 2
In 2000, both genders were the same with numbers of 20
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, but from 2001 male
students
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been decreased significantly with
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of 15
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and stayed parallel from 2001 till 2004. In 2006
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of male
students
Use synonyms
 were the same as at the beginning.
Body paragraph 3
Female
scholars
Change noun form
scholar's
scholars'
show examples
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
on the contrary
Linking Words
, improved from time to time. And in 2006 the
number
Use synonyms
 of female
students
Use synonyms
 peaked at 60
percent
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 4
In the pie chart,
students
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 enrolled in music class chose their career and 55
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of them chose
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 different profession, 25
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 chose
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar occupation and 20
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 chose the same career as their academic work.
Conclusion
#Guljahon #Report3

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task response
The task response is minimal and lacks full development of ideas. The essay needs to address the topic more directly and comprehensively, providing a clear position on the changing nature of holidays. You should work on expanding your argument by discussing the shift towards excitement and challenging activities, including specific examples to illustrate your points and create a robust argument.
logical structure
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure; it seems to be more like a collection of observations rather than a cohesive argument. You must ensure that there is a clear introduction setting the scene for your discussion, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on a separate point, eventually leading to a clear conclusion that summarizes your argument and restates your position.
supported main points
Main ideas are presented but not fully developed. You should support your main points with detailed elaboration, including explanations and examples that are directly relevant to the topic. Additionally, don't forget to use cohesive devices such as linking words to show the relationship between ideas and to help guide the reader through your argument.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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