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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph below shows the reported number of cases of influenza in people over 60 in village in the UK between 1990 and 1999.

The graph below shows the reported number of cases of influenza in people over 60 in village in the UK between 1990 and 1999.
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The line graph illustrates
the
Correct article usage
apply
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information about the
number
Use synonyms
 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 who suffered from influenza in a village in the UK between 1985 and 1995.
Overall
Linking Words
, the graph reveals a fluctuation with ups and
down
Replace the word
downs
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,
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of sick
people
Use synonyms
 had
been
Unnecessary verb
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reached a peak. Moving to the details,
at
Change the preposition
in
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 the beginning, 40
people
Use synonyms
 got ill and
then
Linking Words
 it rose gradually. In 1987, there was a
decreses
Correct your spelling
decrease
decreases
 by nearly 48 individuals.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, between 1988 and 1989, it shows a slight fluctuation. After 1989, the
number
Use synonyms
 of ill
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
 who suffered from influenza
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 reached its peak (approximately 75
people
Use synonyms
).
Afer
Correct your spelling
After
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 1991, it shows a downward trend with minimal fluctuations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in 1994, there was a small a decrease
by
Change preposition
of
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 60 individuals. As is seen in the given line graph, the
number
Use synonyms
 of ill
Correct your spelling
people
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 whose age is over 60, are suffered from fluenza had
become
Verb problem
reached
show examples
 its highest which was 60 individuals.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the tenth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the tenth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reported cases
  • influenza
  • over 65
  • decade
  • peak
  • trough
  • trend
  • seasonal variations
  • fluctuations
  • vaccine availability
  • public health interventions
  • analysis
  • significant
  • population trends
  • data
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