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Band 5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
Nowadays, a large segment of people have altered their way of transferring
money
 by interfering
more
Change preposition
with more
show examples
 technological methods
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their lives, by using smartphones and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 to send
money
 to their peers, family, and businesses. I have a strong conviction that
this
 is a positive phenomenon despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
quite minor issues that could be easily avoided by users.
Firstly
, it is undeniable that smartphones and internet have revolutionized the way people
transfer
money
 to each other. Anyone can send
money
 by just pressing one button without needing to commute to remote places
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 overcrowded routes in dreadful weather conditions.
For example
, if someone wants to
transfer
money
 to one of his family members as an emergency, he will do it effortlessly, by not taking into consideration any bad circumstances
such
 as traffic congestion or letting up of rain.
By
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In
show examples
this
 way, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a great deal of effort, time, and
money
 that might be saved.
However
, one of
key
Add an article
the key
show examples
 concerns of using
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 and other devices to
transfer
money
 is hacking. But it can be radically solved by downloading
antivirus-software
Correct your spelling
antivirus software
show examples
 and
update
Wrong verb form
updating
show examples
 it regularly against
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 threats.
This
 software not only protects devices but
also
 blocks spam and malware sites which could steal personal information
such
 as bank details and passwords.
Subsequently
, individuals can
transfer
money
 safely using their smartphones with no
further
 concerns. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the usage of technology for sending
money
 brought about transformation in human society. As
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 can excuse transactions to anyone in no time.
Nevertheless
, people must keep safety precautions in perspective to avoid any
further
 problems and enjoying the conveniences of technology in transferring
money
.
Submitted by massaasaad7 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure that includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, each serving a distinct purpose.
coherence cohesion
In body paragraphs, each idea should be well-developed with relevant examples or evidence.
task achievement
Your essay should fully address all parts of the task prompt. Make sure to give a balanced view if required and support your opinion with clear arguments.
task achievement
Ideas should be presented clearly and elaborated upon to show a deep understanding of the topic. Avoid superficial statements.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points; real-world examples strengthen your argument and help the reader understand your point of view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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