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Band 3.5

Some people think that strick punishments for driving offences are the key to reducing traffic accidents. Others, however, believe that other measures would be more effective in improving road safety. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #strick #punishments #offences #traffic #accidents #measures #road #safety
While
 the bar
chart
 gives information about the number of
students
 attending music classes in Australian
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
 from 2000 to 2006, the pie
chart
 provides data about their career path chosen after graduating from the course.
Overall
, the numbers of male and female
students
 enrolled in the classes were,at first,the same ,
whereas
 female
students
 outgrew by far
at the end
 of the given period. And it is clearly seen that more than half of the attendants chose different ways of professional life. In 2000, looking at the bar
chart
 , we can see similar percentages for both female and male
students
 attending the course, with 20 %. By 2004 , either male or female ones had seen dramatic changes. The figures for men saw a double decrease , at the same time,ones for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 rocketed almost to 50 %. Both genders had grown by 2006, with 20% and 60 % respectively. Information on the pie
chart
 provided ensures that 55% of all attendants choose different career paths.
While
 other part of
students
 ,relatively,choose the same or similar professions.
Submitted by bekzodeshonjonovv on

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coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is somewhat unclear and there are issues with the logical flow of information. Introductions and conclusions are key components of a well-structured essay, and it appears that the introduction does not effectively set up a discussion on the topic of strict punishments for driving offences versus other measures to improve road safety. Aim to have a clear introduction paragraph outlining the issue and stating the points that will be discussed, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on each point, and a conclusion that summarizes the discussion and states your opinion.
task achievement
The essay does not adequately address the prompt provided. The prompt asks for a discussion on the effectiveness of strict punishments versus other measures for improving road safety. Your essay, however, discusses the enrollment statistics of students in Australian music classes and their career choices, which is entirely off-topic. It is important to read the topic carefully and ensure that the essay remains focused on the prompt. Make sure to clearly respond to the given question and provide relevant, detailed examples to support the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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