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Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Nowadays, young
people
 are receiving more
pressured
Replace the word
pressure
show examples
 to become successful in
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
show examples
 aspect. Some say, in order to succeed academically these young
people
 need to give up on other
subjects
 so they can focus on academic
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
. I personally do not agree with that idea and through
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will explain my view.
Firstly
, giving up on other
subjects
 for certain
subjects
 is going to make young
people
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
. Other
subjects
such
 as physical education and cookery sometimes are recognized as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recreational
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
.
While
 scientific
subjects
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 physics and mathematics require full concentration, those
subjects
 can bring
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 dynamic environment for students.
In addition
, recreational
subjects
 do not require a lot of time and
usually
Add a comma
usually,
show examples
 they are scheduled only once a week.
Secondly
, removing informal
subjects
 will affect the
teachers
' livelihood. If some related
subjects
 are going to be removed
then
 those
teachers'
Change noun form
teachers
show examples
 might lose their jobs.
This
 might bring another problem for the school because some of them are specialized in certain
subjects
, so they cannot be rotated to other functions easily.
Moreover
, it is important to save the
teachers
' jobs rather than concentrating on
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
subjects
.
To conclude
, it might be true that succeeding academically is very important in the environment of modern education, as some young
people
 are being forced to
it
Add a missing verb
do it
show examples
.
However
, removing some other
subjects
 in order to
succeeding
Change the verb
succeed
show examples
 academically is not a wise option because these young
people
 still need recreational
subjects
 and those
teachers
 must continue their jobs.
Moreover
,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 better to keep the other
subjects
 as a way of recreation.
Submitted by nadhif2799 on

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task achievement
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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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