There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

Nowadays, young

people

are receiving more

pressured

Replace the word

pressure

show examples

to become successful in

academic

Correct article usage

the academic

show examples

aspect. Some say, in order to succeed academically these young

people

need to give up on other

subjects

so they can focus on academic

stuffs

Change the wording

stuff

kinds of stuff

pieces of stuff

show examples

. I personally do not agree with that idea and through

this

essay

Add a comma

essay,

show examples

I will explain my view.

Firstly

, giving up on other

subjects

for certain

subjects

is going to make young

people

stressful

Replace the word

stressed

show examples

. Other

subjects

such

as physical education and cookery sometimes are recognized as

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

recreational

class

Fix the agreement mistake

classes

show examples

While

scientific

subjects

Correct quantifier usage

such as

show examples

physics and mathematics require full concentration, those

subjects

can bring

Correct article usage

a more

show examples

dynamic environment for students.

In addition

, recreational

subjects

do not require a lot of time and

usually

Add a comma

usually,

show examples

they are scheduled only once a week.

Secondly

, removing informal

subjects

will affect the

teachers

' livelihood. If some related

subjects

are going to be removed

then

those

teachers'

Change noun form

teachers

show examples

might lose their jobs.

This

might bring another problem for the school because some of them are specialized in certain

subjects

, so they cannot be rotated to other functions easily.

Moreover

, it is important to save the

teachers

' jobs rather than concentrating on

few

Correct article usage

a few

show examples

subjects

To conclude

, it might be true that succeeding academically is very important in the environment of modern education, as some young

people

are being forced to

Add a missing verb

do it

show examples

However

, removing some other

subjects

in order to

succeeding

Change the verb

succeed

show examples

academically is not a wise option because these young

people

still need recreational

subjects

and those

teachers

must continue their jobs.

Moreover

its

Replace the word

it's

it is

show examples

better to keep the other

subjects

as a way of recreation.

Submitted by nadhif2799 on Thu Dec 21 2023

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for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
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take, for example

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

260 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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