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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

It is responsibilty of government to take care of health of citizens or citizens should take care of their own health. Give your opinion.

#responsibilty #government #care #health #citizens
One
 of the conspicuous trends of today’s world is a colossal upsurge in the number of people believing that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to take . There is a widespread worry that
this
 will lead to a myriad of concerns in
one
’s life.
However
, I do not entirely accept
this
 and I will explain why in
this
 essay. There are a number of arguments in favour of my stance. The most important
one
 is that <POSITIVE POINT OF THE TOPIC> and there are numerous other benefits in various
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
. Thanks to a wide range of advantages it offers, not only
one
 benefit more when it comes to being effective, but they can enhance productivity and quality of their lives, with much more ease, efficacy and convenience. Needless to say, all these merits stand
one
 in good stead, as far as augmenting the chances of prosperity and excellence is concerned. Another pivotal factor in the above-mentioned proposition is that it is only likely to help
one
 thrive and excel in varied areas.
Besides
, when only
one
 follows
such
 a system, can they broaden their horizons,
thus
 learning
such
 attributes as dedication and perseverance.
Hence
, it is apparent why many are in favour of <POSITIVE KEY POINT>. In the views of the arguments
outline
Wrong verb form
outlined
show examples
 above,
one
 can conclude that the benefits of <POSITIVE KEY POINT> are indeed too great to ignore.
Submitted by 13simran1990 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay, as it stands, lacks a clear structure and logical progression. The introduction is incomplete and does not provide a clear thesis statement. The essay also failed to mention a conclusion, which is necessary for a complete argument. It is important to start with an introductory paragraph that sets the context and states your opinion clearly. Make sure to have a concluding paragraph that summarizes your argument.
task achievement
Use topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to express main ideas clearly, followed by supporting sentences with specific examples. The essay should clearly address the task by presenting your opinion and arguments for and against where appropriate.
coherence cohesion
The writing lacks cohesion and transitions between ideas. Repeating keywords and using synonyms appropriately, along with the use of connecting words (such as 'firstly,' 'moreover,' 'in conclusion'), will help to create a more coherent flow. Paragraphs should be organized and logically connected to each other.
task achievement
You must develop your ideas more fully. Instead of presenting multiple undeveloped points, focus on a few key ideas and elaborate on them with examples and explanations. General statements have to be backed with specific details; otherwise, the task will not be fully achieved.
task achievement
Consider using examples from real-life situations, studies or statistics that clearly relate to the topic. The essay lacks relevant and specific examples which are essential to effectively support your main points and to satisfy the requirements of the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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