IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion You should write at least 250 words.

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #activity
Whether governments should ban high-risk
sports
 becoming a hot issue around the world, whilst
such
 activities could endanger the safety of participants, and increase the cost to society sources, I personally agree that
people
 should have the freedom to decide if they want to be part of
such
 events. On the one hand, extreme
sports
,
such
 as sky-diving, car racing,
as well as
 scuba diving, could cause irreversible damage to participants, including paralysing and permanent physical disabilities,
therefore
, opponents believe that it is the obligation of governments to restrict
such
 events. On top of that, the injuries and fatality cases caused by extreme
sports
 will cost a lot of healthcare sources,
along with
 governmental manpower, which could be used better in other emergency situations.
For instance
, many
people
 died or had serious injuries from free diving, which cost lots of manpower to rescue victims in the ocean
along with
 all the medical sources that are used to save them, which is considered a waste of
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 resources.
On the other hand
, in my perspective, it is the right of adults to conduct risky behaviour by knowing the potential hazards
due to
 various advantages. First of all, doing dangerous
sports
 could help
people
 release
stress
Add an article
the stress
show examples
 that accumulated from their daily lives, it is good for their mental health and deters them from being depressed and pessimistic.
Secondly
,
such
 events are attractive to many audiences in the world, it could benefit the host nations, in the aspects of economics and visibility in the world. Take F1 as an example, it is an internationally well-known car race, attracting thousands and millions of
people
 to participate, bringing a great amount of commercial benefit to Singapore during the seasons,
moreover
, making more overseas
people
 experience local culture. To summarise, it is inevitable that dangerous
sports
 have many potential risks that could damage one's health,
however
, I agree that authorities should not ban
such
sports
 without legal regulation for the positive effects
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
derives
Correct subject-verb agreement
derive
show examples
.
Submitted by unapoya0916 on

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Introduction
The essay lacks a clear introduction that clearly states the topic and outlines the writer's position. It is recommended to begin with a more concise introduction that previews the points that will be discussed.
Conclusion
The conclusion of the essay does not effectively summarize the main points or reiterate the writer's opinion. Work on crafting a conclusion that encapsulates the arguments made and reinforces the writer's stance.
Main Points
Main points are mentioned but not fully developed. To improve, each main point should be elaborated on with more detailed support and examples.
Task Response
Your response must directly address the task. While you have touched upon the key areas, expanding on each point with more detail and development would better fulfill the task requirements.
Coherence & Cohesion

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
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