IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that watching big events like sports and the Olympics on TV encourage adults to exercise regularly. While others disagree that there are other effective ways of getting them to exercise. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Sports
Use synonyms
brings
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more positive effects
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 lives.
However
Linking Words
, some claim that watching
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
events
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
show examples
foster
Correct subject-verb agreement
fosters
show examples
 to doing physical
exercise
Use synonyms
 regularly
while
Linking Words
 others say that there are some other ways to encourage
adults
Use synonyms
 to
exercise
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand,
adults
Use synonyms
 can foster by watching
sports
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 on TV.
This
Linking Words
 is because, it can stimulate to maintain a fit and healthy
body
Use synonyms
 like
sports
Use synonyms
 persons, some Olympic games are related to fitness.
For example
Linking Words
, gymnastic games should require
body
Use synonyms
 fitness when watching adult theses games on TV
while
Linking Words
 they
encourage
Wrong verb form
are encouraged
show examples
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 regularly, and
as a result
Linking Words
, they may get a thin and lean
body
Use synonyms
 without fat and overweight.
Therefore
Linking Words
, watching
sports
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 can
foster
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 to young generation to do physical activity in everyday.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some other ways to stimulate youngsters to
exercise
Use synonyms
 regularly
instead
Linking Words
 of watching
sports
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 on television. The authorities should create plenty of awareness about being healthy and fit.
For instance
Linking Words
, the government have to conduct
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
body building
Correct your spelling
bodybuilding
show examples
competition
Use synonyms
 among youth in order to they have to do
exercise
Use synonyms
 and maintain their
body
Use synonyms
 properly.
Competition
Use synonyms
 type of encouragement can get a plethora of results as compared to entertainment-based
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
adults
Use synonyms
 can
encourage
Wrong verb form
be encouraged
show examples
 to do
exercise
Use synonyms
 by conducting
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
Use synonyms
body building
Add a hyphen
body-building
show examples
competition
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 youth
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 can encourage and maintain their
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
by watching
sports
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
, the government will conduct the
Use synonyms
body building
Correct your spelling
bodybuilding
show examples
competition
Use synonyms
 among
adults
Use synonyms
 in order
they
Change preposition
for they
show examples
 have to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 in
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly agree with the
Use synonyms
competition
Replace the word
competitive
show examples
 way of
foster to
Wrong verb form
fostering
show examples
adults
Use synonyms
 can do physical activity regularly.

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task achievement
The essay lacks clear and comprehensive development of ideas. Expand on the main points with more detailed information and a wider range of vocabulary for better clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. The essay should clearly transition from one idea to the next, with each paragraph having a clear central topic.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices correctly. The essay should ensure that pronouns agree with their antecedents and that connectors and transition phrases are used appropriately to link ideas.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that clearly state the topic and the writer's opinion. The conclusion should efficiently summarize the main points of the essay without introducing new arguments.
task achievement
Avoid repetition of ideas and phrases. Instead, paraphrase effectively and use synonyms to demonstrate a full command of the language.
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