Some people rely too much on doctors instead of taking care of their own health. They think all health problems can just by ‘fixed’ by visiting doctors. What problems could this approach to healthcare cause and how might they be solved?

In
todays'
Change noun form
today's
show examples
world,
popularity
Add an article
the popularity
show examples
of going
Fix the infinitive
to doctor
show examples
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
has increased for any illnesses. Many
individuals
do not know what to do when they get sick and
this
could be a major problem to
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
system. There are some solutions to fix
this
issue.
Firstly
, people need to learn basic treatment for themselves.
Previous
Change preposition
In previous
show examples
decades, relying on
doctor
Correct article usage
a doctor
show examples
was not necessary and
individuals
treat
Wrong verb form
treated
show examples
themselves with some herbs.
For example
, if a person has a
flue
Correct your spelling
flu
show examples
,
individual
Add an article
the individual
an individual
show examples
will use various teas to heal themselves and
her
Correct pronoun usage
she
show examples
/she will rest until feeling well.
Moreover
, having number of aches
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
rapidly growth but 50 or 60 years ago, fewer
individuals
had aches because they were going to their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mostly walking.
Therefore
, if society
know
Change the verb form
knows
show examples
how to treat themselves, there will be
less patient
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer patients
show examples
for doctors and they focus on patients who have serious problems.
Secondly
,
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
needs to change their eating habits and they should do sport.
For instance
, many
edibiles
Correct your spelling
edibles
are not organic
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days and more people eat fast foods
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
last
years,
this
leads to some serious
health
problems but if
individuals
can switch their eating habits to healthy meals, they will be less sick.
Moreover
, doing sports helps a person's body and it can fix body posture in order to prevent physical complications people have to do sport
also
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
helps mental
health
.
Thus
, if society looks
Change preposition
at themselves
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
itself
show examples
, there can be
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
healthcare issues. In conclusion, there are several ways to solve healthcare problems. It is stated that
understsaning
Correct your spelling
understanding
how to treat themselves is the most important thing and
this
can help
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
system to reduce patient numbers.
Submitted by atakantemizkan0 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to avoid repetition and to make your argument more dynamic.
Task Achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully with detailed explanations and more diverse examples to better illustrate your points.
General
Check for and correct typos or grammatical errors to improve the clarity and professionalism of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider introducing a variety of linking words to connect ideas more smoothly and clearly.
General
Pay attention to the accuracy and range of your vocabulary to more precisely express your ideas.
Task Achievement
You have clearly understood the task and addressed the topic with relevant ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay structure includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which is good practice.
Task Achievement
You have provided examples to support your ideas, enhancing the persuasiveness of your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: