IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this idea?

#cultures #children #idea
Working hard and achieving your goals is one of the major pieces of
advice
 that prevails in some of our societies,even,though
children
 are told,if they try hard,they can achieve anything.The principal advantages are self-belief, fostering a sense of resilience and determination.The main disadvantages are the creation of unrealistic
expectation
Fix the agreement mistake
expectations
show examples
 and feelings of disappointment. The main advantage of telling
children
 to try hard is self-belief.It is generally believed that working hard makes
children
 more
self reliance
Add a hyphen
self-reliance
show examples
 and a kind of believer man.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
this
advice
 helps
children
 in their lives to remain calm and confident.The second advantage of telling
children
 to work hard is to foster their sense of resilience and determination.It is considered that the struggles of
children
,make them different and determined people.
In other words
,it promotes a growth mindset in them.
Hence
,
this
advice
 makes them more focused on their goals. Despite these advantages,there are some major cons of
this
 saying.The first one is,that it may lead to feelings of disappointment.
In addition
,it can lead to the
children
 to stress
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and make them discouraged.
For instance
,in Pakistan,students in the 12 grade,work hard to get admission to medical colleges, and if they do not get entrance,they become disappointed.
Hence
,
this
 piece of
advice
 is not in favour of
children
.
Secondly
,
this
 can lead to unrealistic expectations,if they can not achieve the goal,they get stressed.
This
 is
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 drawback. In conclusion, self-belief and fostering a sense of resilience and determination can be advantageous;
however
,they should
also
 be careful,as it can lead to the creation of unrealistic goals and feelings of disappointment.
Submitted by jamalashraf45 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay loosely addresses the task with some relevant points, but it fails to fully develop them. The advantages and disadvantages mentioned could be more explicitly linked to the cultural presumption 'children can achieve anything if they work hard.' Expand on the ideas and illustrate them with more concrete, specific, and relevant examples to improve task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an identifiable structure but lacks clear progression in places. Work on creating more cohesive links between your main points by using a wider range of linking words beyond 'Therefore' and 'In other words'. Additionally, avoid comma splices and run-on sentences to maintain coherence and present a more structured argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: