IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some feel that individuals should have the right to strike in all jobs while others feel there are exceptions. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#feel #individuals #right #strike #jobs #exceptions
There are many who believe that people are entitled to strike no matter the occupation,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 others believe that there are some anomalies to
this
 rule. In
this
 essay, I will discuss why I agree with
this
 notion and form a conclusion.
Firstly
, only those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 work in a particular sector are aware of the circumstances that lead up to a strike.
For instance
, those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 work in the educational field are being unfairly paid for their hard labour.
Furthermore
, the vast majority of people are against taking
such
 a drastic step,
however
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however,
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 when the conditions of
such
 a demanding career become overwhelming they are often left with no choice.
Secondly
, governmental laws have resulted in many slaving away for unhealthy hours with next to little pay.
This
 results in, potentially dangerous circumstances
arisng
Correct your spelling
arising
arise
 within the workforce
as well as
 detrimental health concerns. It is only these individuals that are aware of what they are going through on a
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
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 basis,
therefore
 it is their right to strike if they deem it necessary.
On the other hand
,
such
 a crucial step has a direct effect on society and its people.
For example
, those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are in the healthcare industry, like doctors. When they are not at work,
this
 delays patient waiting times, reschedules operations and generally causes havoc.
Although
,
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apply
show examples
this
 action is justified it can result in a decline in the health standards of the surrounding community.
Additionally
, teachers who undergo
this
 act make it difficult for the parents as
,
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apply
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 they now need to find replacement childminders to look after their child.
This
 could
also
 damage the educational abilities of the child,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 their reading ability. In conclusion, it is advisable that no matter the job, those who feel benefit from striking should do so as only they are truly aware of the dire circumstances they are surrounded in.
Submitted by abeera2012 on

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task achievement
Make sure to create a balanced argument by presenting both views equally and avoid showing bias in the essay until the conclusion.
task achievement
Work on developing your ideas more fully with the help of specific examples and data to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction provides a clear overview of the content of your essay, including brief mentions of the points you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to better organize your ideas and make the essay easier to follow.
task achievement
Avoid using phrases that may come across as biased or subjective early on in the essay. Remain objective until the concluding paragraph when you provide your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion should not introduce new ideas or rationales. It should summarize the points made and reiterate your position clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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