Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is whether
women
should be allowed to join the army
and fight just like men
. Now people are beginning to realize that women
can play a big role in army
and they can be more helpful than some Add an article
the army
men
. Personally, I tend to think that we should leave everything on its own and that there is
Change the verb form
are
no
Correct your spelling
not
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
of
benefits Change preposition
apply
of
Change preposition
to
women
joining the army
.
Firstly
, it is well known that women
are considerably weaker than men
,
and that Remove the comma
apply
army
can cause a big burden on Correct article usage
the army
women
's health, especially on her
reproductive and psychological condition. One of the main reasons behind Correct pronoun usage
their
that is
a strict, and not sparing relationship in army
, Add an article
the army
that
can be too exhausting Correct pronoun usage
which
to
Change preposition
for
women
's organism. A good case in point is that in army
there is a discipline that obligates you to get through a lot of Add an article
the army
testings
, like electric shock Replace the word
tests
and
etc and most of the Correct word choice
apply
women
may not handle it.
On the other hand
, it can also
be argued that women
do not have much usefulness in army
Add an article
the army
,
if we are talking about fighting. Remove the comma
apply
That is
to say
they can be helpful medically, like doing first aid, Add a comma
say,
however
not most of
Change preposition
apply
women
can be strong
physically as Rephrase
as strong
men
. Take for example
if in the war someone gets injured or having
a blood loss they can save their lives by doing first medical help, or blood transfusion.
In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account in our final analysis we can say that Wrong verb form
has
women
are best
supporters of Correct article usage
the best
men
. Women
should learn things that are completely necessary for military
like first help, shooting from a machine gun, Correct article usage
the military
assemble
a machine gun, Wrong verb form
assembling
everything
except fighting like Correct word choice
and everything
men
, because the country needs them to create a new generation and increase the population.Submitted by dnm.best on
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task achievement
To improve, try to elaborate more on your points. For example, discuss not only physical strength but also mental resilience and strategic skills. This will create a more comprehensive and balanced argument.
task achievement
Make sure to provide a more balanced view by considering counterarguments. For example, you could mention countries that successfully have women in combat roles and discuss their experiences.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, use more linking words and phrases to smoothly transition between ideas, such as 'moreover,' 'on the contrary,' or 'consequently.'
task achievement
Try to provide more specific and detailed examples to reinforce your arguments, such as real-life scenarios or statistical data.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, which shows an understanding of essay format.
task achievement
You have raised the topic of women's role in supportive tasks and have given examples like medical aid that illustrate your point.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.