IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that government should give high salary to the celebrities but others think that it should be provided to doctors and teachers discuss both views and give ur views

#people #government #salary #celebrities #doctors #teachers #ur
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Today, we are living in an age of materialism in which, money makes the mare go. Needless to say, we need money not only to fulfil our needs
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 for progress and advancement. The source of earning may be any, whether job, business
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
trade etc. As far as the question of
celebrities
Use synonyms
 is concerned, they are making
a huge amounts
Correct the article-noun agreement
huge amounts
a huge amount
show examples
 of money in every aspect of life,
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
doctors
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 are struggling to fulfil
living
Correct pronoun usage
their living
show examples
 end. I am in favour of
teachers
Use synonyms
' and
doctors
Use synonyms
' pay rises
instead
Linking Words
 of
celebrities
Use synonyms
.
Celebrities
Use synonyms
 are the people we admire the most but their real talent is their charismatic look or voice mostly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the real heroes are
doctors
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 with whom we interact most in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Teachers
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in the growth of society, by educating the youth of the country and
doctors
Use synonyms
 save during bad
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
.
Celebrities
Use synonyms
 are there only in good time to entertain us. So, I think
teachers
Use synonyms
 and
docter
Correct your spelling
doctors
 are more important than
celebrities
Use synonyms
. To become a
Use synonyms
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrity
show examples
celebrities
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrity
show examples
,
not any
Rephrase
no
show examples
 hard work
required
Add a missing verb
is required
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 born with luck becomes a celebrity.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, to become a teacher and doctor
one
Use synonyms
 needs to study day and night and
also
Linking Words
 sacrifice some family gatherings to keep focused on the goal. So, it is the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 job to give them sufficient salary. As we discussed above
one
Use synonyms
 conclude that if
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 gives high salaries to
doctors
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 more students will try to become
one
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can make everyone's life easy compared to
celebrities
Use synonyms
' salary
rise
Fix the agreement mistake
rises
show examples
 can push most of the youth toward becoming
celebrities
Use synonyms
 that will not make any sense in the end.
Submitted by 13simran1990 on

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure you address all parts of the prompt thoroughly. The essay did not fully develop an argument for both views outlined in the question. Make sure to present and explore both sides equally before providing your personal opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on structuring your essay with clear paragraphs, each containing a central idea with supporting sentences. Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas across the essay. Logical progression was at times unclear, making the argument difficult to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • public funds
  • essential services
  • infrastructure
  • economic contribution
  • public sector
  • private sector
  • high-profile
  • charismatic
  • lifesaving procedures
  • intellectual development
What to do next:
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