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Some people think that government should give high salary to the celebrities but others think that it should be provided to doctors and teachers discuss both views and give ur views

#people #government #salary #celebrities #doctors #teachers #ur
Today, we are living in an age of materialism in which, money makes the mare go. Needless to say, we need money not only to fulfil our needs
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 for progress and advancement. The source of earning may be any, whether job, business
or
Correct word choice
apply
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trade etc. As far as the question of
celebrities
 is concerned, they are making
a huge amounts
Correct the article-noun agreement
huge amounts
a huge amount
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 of money in every aspect of life,
on the other hand
,
doctors
 and
teachers
 are struggling to fulfil
living
Correct pronoun usage
their living
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 end. I am in favour of
teachers
' and
doctors
' pay rises
instead
 of
celebrities
.
Celebrities
 are the people we admire the most but their real talent is their charismatic look or voice mostly.
On the other hand
, the real heroes are
doctors
 and
teachers
 with whom we interact most in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
Teachers
 play a vital role in the growth of society, by educating the youth of the country and
doctors
 save during bad
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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.
Celebrities
 are there only in good time to entertain us. So, I think
teachers
 and
docter
Correct your spelling
doctors
 are more important than
celebrities
. To become a
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrity
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celebrities
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrity
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,
not any
Rephrase
no
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 hard work
required
Add a missing verb
is required
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one
 born with luck becomes a celebrity.
On the other hand
, to become a teacher and doctor
one
 needs to study day and night and
also
 sacrifice some family gatherings to keep focused on the goal. So, it is the
government
Change noun form
government's
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 job to give them sufficient salary. As we discussed above
one
 conclude that if
government
Add an article
the government
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 gives high salaries to
doctors
 and
teachers
then
 more students will try to become
one
.
This
 can make everyone's life easy compared to
celebrities
' salary
rise
Fix the agreement mistake
rises
show examples
 can push most of the youth toward becoming
celebrities
 that will not make any sense in the end.
Submitted by 13simran1990 on

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure you address all parts of the prompt thoroughly. The essay did not fully develop an argument for both views outlined in the question. Make sure to present and explore both sides equally before providing your personal opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on structuring your essay with clear paragraphs, each containing a central idea with supporting sentences. Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas across the essay. Logical progression was at times unclear, making the argument difficult to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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