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Writing Samples /
Band 6

The tendency of human beings copying each other is shown in popularity of fashion clothes and consumer goods. To what extent do you agree?

#tendency #beings #popularity #fashion #clothes #consumer #goods
Many experts believe that
people
 who live in
this
 modern society are more likely to mimic other
people
's appearance to look good. They claim that maintaining the ideal image of beauty is becoming more important among
people
 who work in the fashion industry. I support
this
 idea because
this
 trend can have negative effects on human beings, making them lose their identity.
To begin
 with, as the media has developed, most
people
 start to compare themselves to others by seeing other
people
's appearance. With the rise of social media like Instagram and
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
,
this
 tendency has become a more serious social issue. They are continuously copying each other to fit the ideal image made by the media.
For example
, if some famous influencers sponsored by a company advertise a fancy black leather jacket, their fans or
people
 who are interested in the fashion industry are more likely to buy the jacket. It may lose
people
's identity especially young children who do not have their own personal type.
Secondly
, when it comes to consumer goods, there are many exaggerated advertisements around us. To sell their goods as much as possible, some companies provide the wrong information to consumers. If one company's products are sold a lot, other companies start to copy their marketing tools or ingredients of the product, and it makes consumers get confused.
Due to
this
 tendency, many consumers are suffering from the wrong information provided by selfish corporations.
To sum up
,
it is clear that
people
 are copying each other for various reasons like appearances and interests. It gives a lot of disadvantages to
people
 who live in
this
 society.
Submitted by ieltssss on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion were present, but they could be more impactful by clear thesis statement and summarizing the main points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points should each have a dedicated paragraph with clear, logical development. This essay has the correct paragraphing structure, but the development of ideas in the body paragraphs could be more focused and detailed.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs. The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, but variety and accuracy could be improved further.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task. The essay should address the extent to which you agree with the statement, providing a more nuanced response rather than a simple agreement.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are not only clear but developed comprehensively. In this essay, while the ideas are relevant, there is room for deeper analysis and more developed argumentation.
task achievement
Use relevant examples to support your points. The examples given in the essay tend to be generic. More specific and detailed examples would strengthen the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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