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Band 5.5

Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#countries #people #products #world #development
Nowadays, more and more
countries
 are turning to be the same
due to
 unique abilities to purchase uniform
products
. Now,
this
 question comes to mind whether it is a plus point or a negative one. In my opinion, it could be an advantage of
this
 contemporary era.
To begin
 with, individuals from all around the world could feel satisfaction because they have a favourable opportunity to buy all
products
Correct article usage
the products
show examples
 that they require without any distractions like domestic
products
as well as
 external brands.
In other words
, sometimes
people
 want to boost their quality of life,
to
Correct word choice
and to
show examples
 achieve their target,they need numerous items which
manufacture
Wrong verb form
manufactured
show examples
 in other
countries
 exclusively . So, thanks to modern technology, they can order them via
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 which gives
people
 a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.
thus
,
people
 could experience happiness and satisfaction when they are able to utilize a wide range of
products
 alike other
countries
 population.
Moreover
, having the same opportunities as other
countries
' sites might prohibit the migration rate which is rooted in a lack of basic requirements in many developing
countries
as well as
 in poorer
countries
. these nations suffer from a lack of fundamental facilities which poses a threat to their life. To explain it more, even basic needs are not provided in these area which lead to migration to other nations.
For example
, some Africans can not find medicine equipment or even fresh water. It is more likely that they lose their loved ones
due to
 a lack of facilities which could facilitate their life.
As a result
, the more
products
 from other
countries
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 shared with them, the more
people
would be stayed
Wrong verb form
will stay
show examples
 in their original
countries
. In conclusion,
while
 having a uniform world might have some disadvantages, I strongly believe that it is a fabulous phenomenon in which
people
 have the same opportunities to purchase the same
products
.
Submitted by sr.alizadeh9191 on

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coherence cohesion
In the coherence and cohesion aspects, you've maintained a decent logical structure. However, provide clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure that each sentence adds information related to the main topic. Transition words and phrases could be more varied to enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
You have touched upon both sides of the argument subtly, which is good for task achievement. Nevertheless, to improve, make a stronger and more explicit contrast between the positive and negative developments. Also, offer more specific and detailed examples to support your points. This will help in demonstrating a complete response that more deeply explores the implications of a homogenized global culture.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • globalization
  • diversity
  • homogenization
  • cultural assimilation
  • global connection
  • local businesses
  • economic impact
  • consumerism
  • standardization
  • westernization
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