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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Athletes in many countries are paid extremely high salaries. Some people believe that athletes deserve their high salaries, while others think that they are paid too much money.

#athletes #countries #salaries #people #money
Many professional
athletes
 in a variety of sports are paid enormous salaries. Many people argue that they earn these huge salaries,
while
 others disagree that they are paid far too much. I agree that
athletes
 deserve to receive
such
 large salaries. Professional
athletes
 train their whole lives for what
amount
Correct subject-verb agreement
amounts
show examples
 to relatively short careers.
While
 some basketball players have played professionally for over 20 years, the average player only lasts about 4 to 5 seasons. It is
therefore
 agreed that these
athletes
 have earned the high paychecks they receive.
For example
, a basketball player could train and play competitively from elementary school through university only to have an injury end their career during their first professional season. Any kind of career that requires that kind of dedication and entails
such
 risk deserves high reimbursement.
However
, many disagree that professional
athletes
 deserve to receive
such
 high paychecks. The current minimum salary in Major League
baseball
Capitalize word
Baseball
show examples
 was recently raised to $600,000 dollars.
Although
 it is difficult to argue that star players do not earn their pay,
team
members
 who only play in a few games a year should not receive
such
 large paychecks. That being said, star
athletes
 are valuable
members
 of a
team
, but they cannot win games on their own. Even the players who sit on the bench most of the season have to stay in prime physical condition and be ready to play at a moment's notice. Since all
team
members
 are needed for success, they should all be paid well. In conclusion,
while
 some people believe that professional
athletes
 earn
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
huge incomes, others feel that they are massively overpaid.
However
, as long as we consider the training and risks that all
athletes
 endure, and acknowledge the value of all
team
members
, the reasons for paying all
athletes
 well are easy to understand.
Submitted by dewifarraprasasya on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response, but there is room for development in terms of complexity and depth. Make sure to elaborate on points with a wider range of ideas and views.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that paragraphs logically flow from one to the next with a clear progression of ideas. Use a variety of cohesive devices and topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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