IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Scientist and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artist. To what extent do you agree.

#scientist #technology #experts #society #musicians #artist
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Modern man has raced from the bullock-card age to the computer era at a breakneck speed, accompanied by vast improvements in the standards of living. On the modernization front,
therefore
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, the global economic scenario has gullibly shown tidal changes in support of scientists and
technology
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 experts rather than
musicians
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 and
artists
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. Today we live in the world of the internet. Before opening our eyes in the morning, the first thought that comes to mind is that our
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 should be within range of our hands. So,
while
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 waking up, we check any notification poop on.
Technology
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 helps from morning to sleep and scientists are the
one's
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ones
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 who develop that
technology
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. It's the
technology
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, which helps us to connect with
musicians
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 and
artists
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. So, it's
also
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 valuable for both of them as well.
Musicians
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 and
artists
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 are
also
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 taking benefits and comfort from
technology
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 by spreading their work more rapidly. That's why modern society and
artists
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 are both liable to the
technology
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, Which helps them both.
For example
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, YouTube introduced plenty of new singers, who were financially incapable of releasing the cassette before YouTube. Now they are making a decent living by uploading a single track on YouTube. So, the tech and artist can not be compared. In summary, we can conclude that
scientist
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scientists
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 and
technology
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 deserve more.
That is
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 why I value more
instead
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,
musicians
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 and
artists
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. There is an old saying"hand to hand" so it's our responsibility to give value to
technology
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 if that makes our life to make easy.
Submitted by 13simran1990 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a limited logical structure, as the progression of ideas is not always smooth or well-organized. Work on creating a clearer, more logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and sentences that logically build on each other.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, but they require further development to effectively set up and summarize the essay's arguments. Aim to write a more engaging introduction and a conclusion that echoes the main points while succinctly summarizing the overall stance.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported, but the support could be strengthened with more in-depth analysis and a wider range of examples. Focus on developing each main point with clear explanations and evidence that reinforce your argument.
task achievement
The response addresses the prompt, however it does not fully develop a clear stance throughout the essay, occasionally straying from the central topic. Ensure that the response is fully developed and remains consistently focused on the topic. Work on expressing your views more explicitly and in greater depth.
task achievement
Ideas presented are on topic, but the clarity and comprehensiveness of these ideas could be improved. Try to elaborate more on each point, ensuring that your reasoning is transparent and easily understood by the reader.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, which is commendable. However, while examples are good, they require further detail and explanation to thoroughly demonstrate their relevance and to substantiate the arguments you are making.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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